Update on Reuniting Following Estrangement

You might have wondered what happened with my reunion with my son following my last post almost 4 years ago.

Honestly, following the situation and my post about reuniting with my son after 6 years of estrangement, I needed to adjust to my new reality and figure out what would happen next.

During the last 4 years, I saw my son a few times over lunch and we'd have long conversations. I would drink in that time with him, catching up on his life, his interests, his opinions, and then not be in contact for months.

We went shopping for his birthday and it was fun doing something that's so normal for other people but we hadn't done this for around a decade. I was happy for this bit of normalcy.

He has not yet talked with my husband but I do have hope for the future.

I still walk on eggshells when we speak and I push some topics such as school loans although I'm sure he doesn't appreciate it. It's a gamble. His life is on track and he's in school and working, and because our cost of living is high here, and I've even suggested moving out of state to continue his schooling and live without some of the pressures he faces now. Those college loans will drag him down for years to come otherwise and I'd love to see him avoid some of that burden.

Meanwhile, I've read many posts on The Addict's Mom site and looked at posts on their Facebook page. They have a lot of great information and the tips on not being co-dependents are so important for people with these issues. 

And I'm getting on with our lives with my own work (recruiting and training in Silicon Valley) and writing a new blog about planning for retirement.

Since you've found my blog, I hope my posts make you feel a little less alone and help you remember that life always goes on - sometimes in very different ways we imagined - but it does move forward. I hope you can move forward with it.

Marcia Stein, SPHR-CA, PHR is the author of Strained Relations:  Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens.

After a Long Estrangement: Reuniting!

My regular readers know why I wrote the book (Strained Relations:  Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens) and started this blog: it was all inspired by my own difficult relationship with my son.  I haven’t written for some time because I was wondering if I had something of value to add from my story. I just haven’t tended this garden.

Here’s why.

I’ve been estranged from my 24 year old son since he was 18. I saw him briefly a couple of times in those years but we had no real conversation, and the reaction I received let me know it wasn’t time for him to talk yet.

So I’ve waited. It’s been tough. It’s like having a headache or a fever, not a severe one, but one that’s distracting and prevents you from fully experiencing whatever it is you’re doing.

I’ve had this 6 year low-grade fever. We’ve gone about our lives, working and playing, traveling and enjoying family visits, taking classes and going to museums, theaters and the movies. All with that fever that could be triggered to cause more pain depending on the discussion, movie or song.

I’ve reached out over this time in occasional emails asking if he is open to seeing me. One time I had my hopes up. He told my former husband he was ready to see me and responded to my email. I excitedly checked my email and the spam folder and there was nothing from my son. I wrote and asked for another note and he did not respond.

Not frequently, but maybe ever 6 months or so in the last couple of years I have reached out via email. It’s not in my nature to give up and I’ve had hope without a timeframe.

Recently, I wrote and asked if he was ready to see me yet. The answer was yes! We set up a time and place.

I was so excited, happy, scared, anxious, angry about lost time, and had a dozen other emotions swirling around.

The day before, he wrote that he had not made adequate plans to get there and dinner was cancelled.

This happened right before our vacation and business trip, and I was on edge. Was he backing out or was it an honest mistake?

When I returned, I asked about meeting in his town on a Saturday, and he said yes.

On Saturday, I had an early errand on the way and wound up outside the restaurant for 2 hours. I brought things to read and tried to concentrate on them. Played some music.

I went inside and waited. Then he came in, I was still sitting as I wasn’t sure if I had the strength in my legs to get up – I was so nervous. I stood and he reached out, willing to hug me. I hugged him with all of my love.

I thanked him for coming, for being brave to see me, that I was happy to see him.

We had some chitchat about what we were doing and then we got into more about what was really happening in his life, how that affected us.  He confessed to some things he had done and he apologized.  I apologized for not knowing what to do to make things change for him.

We talked for about an hour and a half. I have a lot more questions, more to learn, more to share, but I didn’t want to overwhelm him and was very emotional about everything.

He isn’t the boy I saw at 18. He’s a man. He looks a little different. His thought process is much clearer and it’s exciting to get a little insight into who he is now.  He doesn't need me every day and it could be that I won't see him for months.

It’s a start. It’s like going up a 10 story building using the stairs and carrying a backpack of rocks as you go. With each step, you take a rock out of the bag and your climb is still challenging but easier as you go.

This is huge and really a lot to take in. I may write, I may not, but know that there are possibilities in life, that you can go through things that are difficult and come through the other side.

Marcia Stein, PHR is the author of Strained Relations:  Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens.

The Son, The Parents, Juvenile Hall and Emotions

I recently met "Lisa" and she told me about her 19-year-old son, "Marc." 

As a child, he was sweet and sensitive, but once he hit his teen years, he was sarcastic and mean with little regard for others.  He thought nothing of disrespecting his parents, calling them cruel names and disregarding their rules.  Once a good student, he was causing trouble at school and was often sent to the principal's and counselor's office.

The parents did not know what to do.  They sought advice from the school counselor, went to family therapy, sent their son to a therapist, but nothing improved.   

They stopped taking him to family events as they never knew what would trigger his anger or how rudely he would treat others.  Family members asked about him but the parents always covered for him, saying he was busy with school or activities.  They did the same thing with their friends and that further isolated them.  They were living with tremendous stress in the household - they had no support and no safety net. 

When Marc was 15, Lisa was doing Spring cleaning and opened discovered a large bag with prescription bottles with various people’s names on them.  This was something they could not ignore and, heartbroken and feeling as they were falling off a cliff, they called the police.

Their son was in a ring of kids who were stealing drugs from their family medicine chests and if visiting extended family or other kids, they'd steal from those people, too.  Marc and his friends were sentenced to Juvenile Hall.  Had he done this as an adult, who knows how long he'd be in prison? 

When he was in Juvenile Hall, he was mandated to attend ongoing therapy and a drug rehab program.  Marc's parents visited regularly and were shocked to learn this was the first extended period of time since he was 11 that he was not high. 

I asked how they felt when he was sentenced and living in another place, how did they cope? 

Lisa said it was devastating and a relief at the same time.  When they had this beautiful, smart, funny and affectionate child, they never could have predicted the terrible turn his life and their life had taken.  Their family dream included family vacations, enjoying viewing his activities at school, and frankly, bragging about their wonderful son. 

Once they started their nightmare with him, all of those dreams had to be shelved and to make things worse, they were afraid of him.  Each day they wondered what would he do next: break things in the house?  Would he harm them emotionally or physically? 

When he was out of the house, they found themselves mourning his loss and the loss of their dreams while feeling relief that the stress and worry of living with him was relieved.  They went to marriage and family counseling and Al Anon meetings to learn what they did to enable him and how to change their own behaviors.  They also shared their story with select family and friends, finding love, support and understanding.  It has made them stronger as a couple and their relationship with their son is mended. 

While Lisa still resents the lost time and hurt her son caused, she and her husband are learning to move forward.   

Marc is in a vocational school, living on his own and working to support himself.

Marcia Stein, PHR is the author of Strained Relations:  Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens.

Father Checks Son into Rehab

I received a call from a guy I know, someone with a son around the same age as my son who is 23.  Let's call the man "Joe" and his son "Mike."

Joe had seen his son slide downhill starting in high school.  He knew his son was drinking and smoking pot.  He thought there might be other drugs but he didn't know for certain.  There was a lot of upheaval in their home due to their son's choices, and once Mike graduated from school, Joe and his wife told him to go live on his own.  There is a younger son still at home and he didn't need Mike's bad influence.

They hoped that by living on his own, facing the challenges of expensive housing and minimum wage jobs, that he would soon find he needed to change his life, kick his habits and get back on track. 

It didn't happen.  Why not?  Because Joe is an enabler, and when he saw his son in financial need, he opened his checkbook and paid whatever was needed.  This went on for 5 years and created additional stress and worry, strained the marriage and did not help Mike hit bottom.  It delayed the point when Mike might say he needed help.

Finally, Mike came to his parents and said he wanted to go to rehab and he had found a place.  He is supposed to stay a month and they will help him dry out and get him on the path to a drug-free life.  It's great that he's going, and Joe is aware that many addicts have to repeat rehab.

I asked Joe how he felt about all this, and he said that when Mike said he wanted to go, it really hit Joe what the situation really was and he cried, and for the past week he has felt weepy. 

Being the parent of a kid like this is scary, upsetting, and fills one with doubt.  There are no easy answers and no guarantees.  I hope Mike does stay with his program and stays clean, and I hope his parents get the help they need so they don't enable Mike if he falls out of the program.  It's very hard for parents to stay strong and watch their child suffer but worse if you keep bailing them out.

I am the author of "Strained Relations: Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens."  You can view more information about the book on my website.

I also depend on the kindness of strangers.

I posted this on another blog and want to include the thoughts on this blog.  Blanche DuBois’ famous last line in “A Streetcar Named Desire” is "Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers."

Her state of mind aside, I identify that line. I know that at some time I’ll need some small or large kindness and someone will provide it.

A very nice woman in my neighborhood recently called and said her husband had died. She wanted to have a Jewish service for him and needed to find 10 Jewish men to fulfill the requirements. Did I know someone who could attend the next night?

I wrote to a few mailing lists, sent notes to some people I know, and hoped there would be enough people to help. I think there were 25-30 people in attendance, far more than needed or expected. People went out of their way after work to help someone they did not know. I don’t know who most of them were or how they were notified, but they helped a stranger.

It was a very touching demonstration of community, what it means to need help and what happens when you ask.

We live in a particular point in time and in a society where independence is everything, we don’t like to ask anyone for favors and certainly don’t want to ask for help. The problem with this line of thinking is that we all need some kind of help at some time, and then we don’t have the tools to know how to ask, who we can count on.

There are small and large kindnesses, and I wrote recently on another blog about this. It could be that someone holds the door open rather than let it close on me. I appreciate that. Kind remarks, a sincere "How are you?" or "What can I do to help you?" are nice. I recently led a workshop and one attendee stayed and complimented me, then asked if there was anything he could do to help me. Did I have any business goals or needs where he could be helpful? I was so surprised as that kind of thing rarely happens. Usually people just thank me or want to connect on LinkedIn. I noticed that kindness.

It could be a small matter to you but it means a lot to the person on the receiving end. A friend told me he was feeling terribly low during an extended period of unemployment. One of his friends took him out to lunch every few weeks, followed up to see if anyone in his network could be of assistance. He offered friendship and emotional support, and 11 years later, my friend remembered to pass this on to another unemployed friend.

On this site, I address difficult family issues.  Sometimes people write or call with questions or comments, and I think being here helps some people.  I know when I have someone listen to me talk about my own problems, it helps.

The first question is this: what can you do, what small or large kindness or help can you offer to another person? And of course the next question is: are you doing it? We get so involved in our own lives and worries that it's easy to overlook others, but once our awareness is raised, it's time to take action. Go out and make it a great day for someone!

Save Jack From Leukemia: 23 Year Old Needs Blood Marrow Donor

Dear Readers,

I spend a lot of time thinking about the topic of dysfunctional families and the pain those families experience.  Today I want to focus on another topic, a 23 year old with leukemia who will die without a bone marrow transplant.

The story caught my breath as Jack Chin was in my son's high school.  He was a UCLA student and was studying Economics and Accounting.  He started suffering some leg pain last year, was tested and diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia.  He has been treated with chemotherapy, but his only hope is a bone marrow transplant.  His twin brother is not a match and his best hope is to find someone from the Chinese community.

Jack's websites:
Facebook
Twitter
Jack's biography, facts/myths on bone marrow donation and Jack's thoughts on cancer

Will you help?  Please mobilize your forces and respost this information, add to your own blogs, Twitter feed, Facebook and any other way you communicate.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!

Marcia

Guest Blogger Scott Morgan: Five Tips for Successful Co-Parenting

Today's guest author is Scott Morgan, a a board certified Austin divorce attorney who regularly blogs on the subject of divorce and family law. You can read his blog at AustinDivorceSpecialist.com.


Divorce is an emotional roller coaster for most couples, but the ride usually ends when a judge grants the divorce and the couple go their separate ways. However, for the divorcing couple with minor children, the ride continues well beyond the judge's termination of the marriage. They may no longer be married, but they are still mom and dad, so the parting has to wait until the children are grown.

Co-parenting with an ex-spouse can be difficult, but there are a few simple rules and techniques to help make it easier for you, and, more importantly, less stressful for your children.

Communication

Co-parenting involves being part of the decision-making process. Communication is an essential part of that process. Keeping the lines of communication open may have to begin with you making the effort to change how conversations occur. That usually means being the one to set the tone.

If the divorce was particularly acrimonious, the burden may fall upon you to be the peacekeeper by approaching all conversations about the children with your former spouse as if you were engaging in a conversation with a business associate. Keep the conversation on point and free of emotion. State the facts as impartially as possible, make your point, and move on.

Communicating with your former spouse about the children does not mean you must agree. Couples in the happiest marriages do not always agree, so why should a divorced couple be different?

Support Each Other

Children of divorced parents quickly learn how get what they want by pitting their parents against each other. Regardless of how parents feel toward each other, it is important that they not fall into the trap of undermining each other's authority.

If your former spouse set a rule for the children to follow, be consistent by enforcing it when the children are with you. If you have a problem with the rule, talk to your ex-spouse about it. For the sake of the children, the parent who set the rule should be the one to change it.

Keep Each Other Involved

If you take your children to an amusement park, share the pictures you take of them on the rides with your former spouse. It's a small gesture, but it sets an example for the children, and may break down any lingering bitterness harbored by your former spouse.

A word of caution, you might want to omit the photos of the new love of your life. Ex-spouses do not appreciate getting pictures of the new significant other.

Coping With a New Love Interest

Keep telling yourself that this is about the children. People move on with their lives, and at some point, your former spouse will move on as well. Nothing says you have to become best friends with your ex-spouse's new love interest, but do not make that person the enemy either, particularly around the children.

Keeping in Touch With Your Children's Feelings

Don't take for granted the impact a divorce has on children. Young children think they are the ones who did something wrong; otherwise mommy and daddy would still be together.

Talk to your children about how they feel about the divorce. If possible, both parents should be present. Consult with a professional counselor for advice.

Addiction and Prescription Medicine

If you go to the Centers for Disease Control website, you can find reports about the increasing numbers of people addicted to and overdosing from prescription medicine. Here’s a paragraph from an article on their site:

“In 2007, approximately 27,000 unintentional drug overdose deaths occurred in the United States, one death every 19 minutes. Prescription drug abuse is the fastest growing drug problem in the United States. The increase in unintentional drug overdose death rates in recent years (Figure 1) has been driven by increased use of a class of prescription drugs called opioid analgesics (1). Since 2003, more overdose deaths have involved opioid analgesics than heroin and cocaine combined (Figure 2) (1). In addition, for every unintentional overdose death related to an opioid analgesic, nine persons are admitted for substance abuse treatment (2), 35 visit emergency departments (3), 161 report drug abuse or dependence, and 461 report nonmedical uses of opioid analgesics (4). Implementing strategies that target those persons at greatest risk will require strong coordination and collaboration at the federal, state, local, and tribal levels, as well as engagement of parents, youth influencers, health-care professionals, and policy-makers.”

In another article on the CDC site they wrote:

"Overdose deaths from prescription painkillers have skyrocketed in the past decade. Every year, nearly 15,000 people die from overdoses involving these drugs—more than those who die from heroin and cocaine combined.

Overdoses involving prescription painkillers—a class of drugs that includes hydrocodone, methadone, oxycodone, and oxymorphone—are a public health epidemic. These drugs are widely misused and abused. One in 20 people in the United States, ages 12 and older, used prescription painkillers nonmedically (without a prescription or just for the "high" they cause) in 2010."

We’ve all heard about famous people going to rehab for drug and alcohol problems, but clearly these problems are growing in our population at large.

What’s happening?

I had a serious operation a decade ago and was prescribed pain medications to take at home. I took a couple then moved to over-the-counter help and off of all meds as soon as I could without being too uncomfortable. I knew I could live with a little pain and that it would be finite. I had several pills left from that prescription. When I returned for another operation, although I still had pills from the first procedure, I was given another prescription. As I had several procedures within a year, I had a lot of leftover medicine. I was glad to find a place that would take them back for proper disposal.

Following the surgery, there were times when I had aches, pains or even sadness and it might have been tempting to take the leftover medicine just to stop being in pain.

I can see how it might happen that a person receives medicine for one issue, winds up taking it for another and never really copes with the second issue that might not be serious.

It’s way too easy to get too much medicine, for doctors to prescribe, pharmacists to fill and patients to take more than we need, and we need a simple way to return unused medicine so it’s not a temptation to people in the home. A problem with any drug or alcohol is that you don’t know if you have addictive tendencies until you are already trapped.

Guest Blogger Faith Blitman: Bullying Behavior

Faith Blitman, M.A. is a Psychotherapist and Certified Drug and Alcohol Assessor in Philadelphia, PA. She provides individual, group and family counseling as well as drug and alcohol assessment and counseling. Faith Blitman, M.A. and Brian Loughlin, M. Ed. work in LINKS, a family reunification program within the Family Service Association in Bucks County, PA. For questions or additional information, please feel free to e-mail either faithblitman@aol.com or bloughlin@fsabc.org.

According to Stan Davis, a school counselor and bully prevention expert in Maine, a bullying incident occurs every seven minutes. He further speculates that adults intervene in only 4% of school incidents and peers intervene in 11% of these incidents. Bullying is pandemic and can take many forms: (1) Physical - hitting, kicking, punching and shoving; (2) Verbal – insults, name-calling, threatening, disparaging a person’s race, sexual preference, religion, etc., (3) Indirect – spreading gossip/rumors, attempting to turn one’s peer group against them, shooting hateful looks, telling malicious lies; and finally, the deliberate omission of a person from their peer group with the intent of engendering feelings of rejection; (4) Cyber-bullying – sending hurtful text messages, e-mails and instant messages as well as posting injurious information on web pages and sites; (5) Reactive bullying takes place when an individual impulsively acts out of frustration, typically in response to an episode of stress. This particular type of bullying may be the most difficult with which to deal since the person behaves in the dual role of bully and victim.

The causes of bullying behavior vary from individual to individual. Sometimes bullying is learned at home and can result from a lack of supervision, warmth or attention, by reinforcing inconsistent boundaries and rules, as well as by observing parents and older siblings using bullying techniques as a means of managing conflict. Moreover, such parents tend to also incorporate emotional outbursts and physical discipline as corrective measures for their children’s behaviors. Sometimes people require learning new parenting skills since the only tools in their armory are the ones they have learned from their own parents. Hence, the cycle of bullying may be inadvertently passed from generation to generation without benefit of additional intervention and learning. Bullying behavior can also be generated when a person has been bullied by classmates and learns how to express aggression in this manner. Finally, some individuals seem to have a genetic predisposition towards bullying behaviors. Nonetheless, regardless of the cause(s), counseling can help.

The effects of bullying can be profound: damaged self-esteem, anxiety, depression, toxic shame, absenteeism from school, and rage along with a strong tendency to want to exact revenge on perpetrators. Some victims feel so beaten down from this abuse that they simply withdraw from life, relying upon alcohol and drugs to medicate their intense pain or engaging in other addictive/compulsive behaviors. Some who are feeling discarded and uncared for may become pregnant as a desperate means of securing love into their lives. Most significantly, there has been no shortage of reports in the news recently of pre-teens and teens who have been so distraught by bullying, that they saw no escape from their agony but to end their own lives.

There is yet another subset of children who have been bullied who tend to identify with their aggressors, and in contrast to the aforementioned victims, act-out their rage by joining gangs, engaging in criminal acts and frequently perpetuate the bullying cycle by later abusing their own spouses and children. Some of these individuals have been responsible for mass causality school shootings. Since the bully has markedly more power than the victim, the longer bullying ensues, the greater grows the imbalance of power.

Regardless of how any act of abuse presents itself, children need to be well-educated regarding what constitutes bullying, how they should conduct themselves if they or a friend are being victimized by a bully, and to whom they should report these abusive acts. Most researchers quickly point out that bullying behaviors remain consistent if there is no intervention. Nonetheless, when an appropriate and consistent intervention is applied, negative behaviors have been reversible. In addition, it is critical that parents, teachers, and other stewards offer validation and attempt to build as trusting and caring a relationship as possible, so children feel comfortable sharing their concerns. After all, it is every child’s right to feel safe and valued in the world, and it is up to adults to help make that happen.

What can a concerned parent do?

• Be supportive, encourage openness when speaking with your child.
• Express your concerns with your child’s teacher, guidance counselor or principal (making certain to talk this over with your child before taking action).
• Encourage your child to talk to you and other adults at school.
• Ask your child’s school to educate students about bullying.
• If the bullying/victimization behaviors continue, don’t hesitate to seek professional counseling.

Loss, Regrets and Living an Honest Life

This has been a year of loss for me including several friends and now family members. Sometimes, just when you need something to remind you of important lessons, a friend sends you an article. I was sent “Top Five Regrets of The Dying” and recommend this page.

For those of us coping with difficult family relationships and troubled people, it's easy to focus on the pain and not view the other wonderful parts of our lives and the positive things we can do.

Are you honest about your hopes and dreams and who you really are? Do you express your feelings? Have you established and kept friends, and are you honest with those friends?

Once I was honest with others about my relationship with my son, I found support, understanding, and a whole lot of other people with their own family pain. It was so reassuring to know I was not alone, and it gave me additional courage to write the book, this blog, and reach out to others.

I know that what I read in that article was very true, and I hope it helps you or gives you something to think about.

Keeping Perspective on Problems

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written, and I could go into lengthy reasons, but I will instead say we took a fantastic vacation, my old computer died, had to get a new one, suffered though re-doing each program and lost a lot of data. Meanwhile, I learned more disheartening and worrisome news about our son. Just when I think he’s on the brink of getting on-track.

One of the things I’ve been mulling over is that when you’re living in the same house where you have difficult memories, being concerned about your child, where s/he is, how s/he’s doing, what will be in the future, it’s hard to remove yourself from that spiral of thoughts, worries, re-plays of conversations/fights and missed opportunities, second-guessing and regrets. At least, that’s the way it is for me, so I assume it must be the same for many others.

Going away, being out of our environment and going to a foreign country with a different culture worked some magic in reminding me about perspective.

We live in California, and although there are older buildings and ruins we can visit, our area is mostly pretty new. It’s the Silicon Valley, focused on the now. Out trip to France reminded me of our distant past, of Western history and culture, and of the thought that we are still but specks on this planet.

Walking down the street and seeing buildings that have been occupied for a thousand years does tend to put things in place.

It was a good reminder for me that whatever we’re going through with our son, whatever you’re going through with your child or family member, there are only a few ways it can go. Things can stay the same, they could improve a little, or you can turn our relationship around so that it is fully repaired.

If I can hold on to that thought that things may change, that I can control and work on some things, and other things are out of my control, I will be okay.

I hope you can hold onto these thoughts during the holiday season, a really difficult time for many. Best wishes.

Shop at Amazon

Forwarding: Casting for a New Series for a Major Cable Network

I received the following flier and promised to pass it forward.
=======
NOW CASTING A NEW SERIES FOR A MAJOR CABLE NETWORK

Do you suspect your teen is going down the wrong path and engaging in
life-threatening activities, i.e drinking, doing drugs or engaging in
promiscuous behavior?

Is your teen failing all of their classes and busy hanging out with the
wrong crowd?

Do you know if your teen is bullying or being extremely aggressive at
school?

If you are at a loss of what to do with your out-of-control teen and would
like to get some assistance, we can help.

A Major Cable Network is currently looking for families and their teens
(ages 13-19) for a groundbreaking new series. We will be providing you
with a team trained in helping your teen get back on the right track.
Please send us an email sharing your story.

Email us at familycasting@rrstaff.com

***BE SURE TO INCLUDE WHAT CITY AND STATE YOU ARE APPLYING FROM IN YOUR SUBJECT LINE***
Also, please attach a current family photo and include: Names, Ages, and
the best phone number to reach you. Thank you for your time.

Guest Blogger Faith Blitman: Help, My Child May Be Chemically Dependent: What Should I Do?

Faith Blitman, M.A. is a Psychotherapist and Certified Drug and Alcohol Assessor in Philadelphia, PA. She provides individual, group and family counseling as well as drug and alcohol assessment and counseling. You can reach her at faithblitman@aol.com.

Despite warnings children may experiment with drugs for a multitude of reasons: curiosity, peer pressure, to escape anxiety and depression or simply to feel good. Some children who experiment with drugs ultimately become addicts, while others do not. While genetics play a role in addiction, there is no fail-proof, early warning system to alert the child who is using, that due to his or her unique vulnerabilities or proclivities, addiction may be imminent. The process of addiction is an insidious one – many who experiment do so to temporarily forget their problems but as the addiction gains momentum, it inevitably wreaks havoc on every facet of the user’s life. It also tends to wreak as great or greater havoc on parents’ lives who helplessly and painfully witness the loss of their child to drugs and alcohol. The bitter irony is that the addiction itself becomes far more deleterious and pervasive than the original problem which motivated the child to use drugs in the first place.

Drug addiction can be psychological, physical or both. Many recreational drugs attach to the same receptors as brain chemicals and act as disinhibitory agents. Normal behavioral control is undermined and suspended, accounting for many of your child’s mood and behavior changes. Drugs often hijack the brain (most notably, the prefrontal cortex), typically resulting in a severely comprised ability to carry out important survival skills such as planning, exercising sound judgment and resisting temptation.

As a concerned parent, it is helpful to be aware of the signs and symptoms which are frequently associated with drug abuse . . .

Changes in Mood and Behavior including: mood swings, e.g. depression, mania, anxiety, isolation, paranoia, increased or inappropriate anger, relationship changes, increased secretiveness or lying, changes in sleeping patterns (up all night or sleeping excessively), changing friends

Problems in School or Work i.e. increased absenteeism, problems getting along with others, drop in grades or productivity, loss of interest in (class) work or extracurricular activities

Problems in the Home or Community – be aware of dwindling or missing prescriptions, alcohol, money, jewelry and other valuables, the presence of rolling papers, pipes, bongs, or needles, pills, powders and other unknown substances, car accidents, fights, legal problems

Traumatic Events – for example, a loss of a significant person through death, divorce, etc. , a history of sexual, emotional or physical abuse, witnessing a horrific event such as a murder, domestic abuse, etc., military combat (PTSD) can lead to using

Changes in Personal Appearance including glassy eyes, unkempt appearance,
changes in grooming, significant loss or gain in weight

Assuming your child is exhibiting at least some of these indicators, what should you as a concerned parent do?

1) Approach your child with a caring and calm attitude. Your child’s life may well feel out of control to him or her so it is important for you to stay in control for the both of you. Do not confront until you feel calm. (Should you experience guilt, remind yourself it was your child’s decision to use, not yours.)

2) Confront your child with whatever evidence or suspicions you may have. Let him or her know that you are there to offer your love, support and help. Avoid giving the third degree or lecturing; your role is to build a climate of safety and caring, thus assisting your child to admit and share concerns about drug use.

3) Set firm and reasonable boundaries. Clearly delineate which behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable and inform your child of the consequences (both positive and negative), of their behavior. Consistency in following through provides clarity and stability for you and your child.

4) Denial is a major component of addiction. If you’ve confronted your child and he or she denies having a problem, a well-planned intervention which includes his or her friends, family and professionals may be advisable.

5) Seek professional assistance. Chemical dependency does not occur in a vacuum and affects the entire family. A skillful therapist can objectively assess your situation to determine which type and level of treatment is best suited to the needs of your child (in addition to your child attending Narcotics Anonymous and/or Alcoholics Anonymous). Moreover, a therapist can assist family members in establishing appropriate boundaries, by teaching effective coping skills and helping to identify and modify maladaptive patterns of thinking and behaving.

6) Self-care is critical. In addition to therapy, spending time with friends or developing a supportive network is essential to your well-being. Many parents who have a chemically dependent child also reap tremendous benefits by participating in their own 12-step programs such as Nar-Anon (for friends and family concerned about a loved one’s drug addiction) , Al-Anon (for friends and family concerned about a loved one’s drinking), and CoDA (Co-dependents Anonymous to help establish healthier relationships). Pursue hobbies, exercise, take classes and live your life. You will inevitably feel better and also be an even healthier role model for your child. In life, we cannot control other people, but we do control who we are and who we are can flourish despite adversity.

Amy Winehouse Was Once a Little Girl

It’s well-documented and much too familiar. A creative, talented singer with drug and alcohol problems, in and out of rehab and then dead at 27. We all saw it coming but it’s still shocking.

She was once a little girl, wanted and loved and singing with her father at home. If you’re reading this blog, you likely know the experience of being with a child, holding him or her, reading and singing songs and playing together.

Even when you don’t know that that child will do in life, you want him or her to have a successful life, meaning being kind, happy and fulfilled, self-supporting and generous to others. You want that child to navigate safely through tempting and possibly dangerous situations.

In Amy’s case, according to Wikipedia, she was constantly singing and the teachers had a hard time keeping her quiet. When she was nine years old, her grandmother suggested she attend a theatre school. She was allegedly expelled at age 14 for “not applying herself” and getting her nose pierced.
I’m not sure when or why she started using and abusing drugs and alcohol, maybe in those early teen years, but it took over her life.

A couple of years ago, her father tried asking people not to go to her concerts, hoping that if the concerts were cancelled, she would hit bottom and go to rehab. It wasn’t in the interests of anyone else involved in her career (such as her record company, manager, agent and PR person) for her to miss concerts. They had a financial interest in her carrying on, even though it was clearly dangerous for her.

It was a desperate move from a distraught parent. It’s hard seeing someone you love go through personal difficulties of this magnitude.

Before I heard the news of her death, I had been listening to one of her songs and wondering what was happening to her. She was falling apart on her tours from all reports and it seemed evident she was in serious trouble again. The end of this story for Amy and her family is tragic. For some of the people who’ve read my book and read this blog, this event hits too close to home.

If you have someone in your life that is abusing drugs and/or alcohol, these things can’t be wished away. That person has to want to change, has to put in a lot of hard work and ongoing efforts such as going to meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous.

For family members, support, information and help is available through Al-Anon, based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I encourage you to learn about these groups and other options and gather the courage to attend.

A Parent’s Declaration of Independence by Theresa Froehlich

Today's guest blogger is Theresa Froehlich. She is a writer, speaker, Certified Life Coach, and ordained minister. She has been married 28 years and is the mother of two young adult children.

For parents in pain - whether it is the result of a child’s addiction, failure in school, estranged relationship, or failure to move forward with life - the most difficult challenge is managing emotions.

After my husband and I discovered that our daughter, eighteen-years old and a college freshman at the time, became an alcoholic, my range of emotions were all over the map: fear, depression, anxiety, anger, guilt, shame and despair. A year later, our son went off to college, crashed and burned because of his computer and online video gaming addiction. My emotional workout then ramped up to the post-doctoral level!

During the last few years, I have reflected a great deal on how parents in pain can manage their emotions, regain sanity, and get on with life. This strategy (more fully described in my book now being considered for publication) is based on our declaration of independence, the relentless detachment from the problem child.

1. I acknowledge that my child’s destiny is no longer bound up with mine.
2. I admit I am powerless to change my child.
3. I respect my child as the sole captain of her ship.
4. I choose to steer my own ship, and mine alone.
5. I refuse to let my child’s poor choices determine how I feel.
6. I refuse to view my child’s achievements as my source of joy; instead I give my child the credit that is due to him.
7. I respect real life as a competent teacher for my child, and therefore I can resign from being the teacher/leader.
8. I admit I have a journey of personal transformation to make, but I will not accept responsibility for my child’s poor choices.
9. I admit that I am also a learner, just as much as my child has been. Therefore, I deal with my own shortcomings and learn to forgive myself of my mistakes.
10. I rest in the confidence that God can do a much better job at changing people than I can, but I also accept God’s timeline as different from mine. Therefore, I suspend judgment, relinquish fear, and patiently wait for God’s timing.

What situation do you work with? What are the challenges you face in managing emotions? What strategies have you used?

I blog about these topics at http://www.transitionslifecoaching.org and would like to invite you to visit me there. Please join in the conversation so we can connect and support one another.

Search Amazon.com for parenting difficult teenagers

Another Father's Day

I posted last year about Father’s Day, wrote about missing my own dad, missing my child, and admiring my husband as a step-dad.

There is a pre-Father's Day interview on Yahoo News with the president. If the video is still up, it’s worth viewing.

He said that “fatherhood is ‘a combination of complete and total affection and devotion to that child, but also structure and limits and understanding that your child isn't your friend, at least when they're young.’ And he expressed the importance of teaching children values. Obama added that his own mother was a great parent.”

His parents divorced before he was three years old, saying, "You know, I can't say I miss my father, because I just didn't know him," Obama said. "And so, I don't have enough of an emotional bond there to miss him. I profoundly miss my grandfather. You know, I profoundly miss my mom. And my grandmother."

There is pain and loss when relationships are severed. Sometimes the person is missed, and sometimes it’s the idea of that person that is missed, maybe an idealization of what that relationship could have been.

If you’re struggling with a difficult relationship, are you sad because of what you miss about that person or the idea of what hoped for, or maybe both? Separating out those feelings can help you cope with loss or separation and can guide you into reconciling with that person if possible or finding peace with your feelings.

How are you feeling about your family today?

A Couple and Their Daughter: Estrangement and Reconciliation

Last year, Stacy attended one of my talks and bought my book and she found consolation in it. She gave it to her husband, and he emailed me mid-way through the book.

“Ron” and “Stacy” married in their teens and had very little money and no emotional support from their families. They stayed in rented rooms and both worked two jobs for several years. He is mechanically inclined and earned his living at auto repair shops. He’d had little patience for school and used his high school vocational education to land a job at a gas station. Stacy completed high school and attended a vocational school in their early years together.

Stacy established herself in her occupation and Ron began to earn a good living as a mechanic. Although they were earning their own way, they had learned that education opens doors to promotions and better salaries. They felt insecure and inferior when running into old classmates or meeting new people. They agreed that the best way to get ahead in life is through a great education, and when their only child was born, they moved to a different community to get her into a better school system.

From the time “Mary” was little, education was stressed and there were educational toys, flashcards, games and activities designed to enhance her life. Her parents were focused on giving her the opportunities they felt they had missed.

Mary was an average student who wasn’t interested in most of her classes. She had friends and liked some activities, but did not have special hobbies or sports she enjoyed. It became a daily struggle between the parents and Mary, a constant nagging and bribing for her to do her homework. Each summer from 7th grade on was spent in summer school, not for enrichment classes but because she had failed basic courses.

They were able to have good times on weekends but dreaded school days and nights. They went to doctors, therapists and coaches, trying to find the right answer to help this child. Nothing worked because Mary did not want help.

On Mary’s high school graduation day, they were proud, excited, happy and relieved that this part of their struggle was over. They had hoped that she would go to junior college and work to help with the costs.

When they saw her after the ceremony, she told them she was leaving, that she’d be staying at friends, that any place was better than living with them, and she walked away. They were stunned.

What should have been an evening of celebration and happiness turned into a difficult and frightening eight years.

They thought she would come home that night or the next day, but she didn’t. Her friends said they didn’t know where she was. They contacted every person they knew. Finally, one of Mary’s friends called and said Mary was staying with a guy she had met. The acquaintance had asked Mary to call so her parents wouldn’t worry, but Mary refused, so the friend called.

Ron and Stacy went through everything in her room. As impulsive as this had seemed to them, Mary’s running away had been planned. Favorite clothes and her childhood bear were gone. They had saved enough money in cash to pay for several months’ rent if they needed it, but that had been taken, too. They found some unidentified pills but no other answers to the questions of what happened and why.

They called her friends regularly, some would answer; others would not. Some said they hadn’t seen her and seemed sincerely worried while others seemed to be lying and covering for Mary.

Ron and Stacy “went through hell” worrying about her, second-guessing themselves. They weren’t bad people: they worked, had friends and went to church. They thought their biggest difficulty had been fighting over school, but now they knew Mary had been taking drugs and lying about it and stole a substantial sum of money from them.

Stacy scoured the papers and checked online to see if there was some note about her daughter – maybe she’d be named in an accident, in a burglary, maybe she’d be in a photo taken at a street party. Maybe they’d find an unidentified female body, someone Mary’s size. She created accounts on MySpace and later Facebook to look for Mary and her friends.

There were no answers and no contact from Mary for years. They experienced anger over her betrayal and the emotional trauma of not knowing where she was and if she was alive. They went to a family therapist to talk about this grief and worry and to keep their marriage intact.

The pain lessened but it was always there. They gave up on finding her and felt they’d done all they could do by letting her friends know that they wanted to see her.

Stacy read my book and said learning about other parents and what they did or how they coped was helpful for her. It was comforting to know they weren’t alone and others had similar or worse problems.

Ron was partway through my book when their phone rang one evening and it was Mary. She wanted to meet them over coffee. They arranged a time to meet and the place, and the call ended.

Ron wrote to me and asked how to approach her, what to say, should they hug or what? It was the beginning of the weekend and they were to meet her on Sunday. Their therapist was away, there was no one to call. So they reached out to me.

I reminded them I’m a parent who wrote a book and I’m not a therapist. They just wanted to talk it over with someone who might understand their situation, may have thought it through. I have thought about what I might say to my son and how I might react, but nothing is certain on either side and it’s emotionally scary to extend oneself and risk losing that person again.

Here’s what I suggested: let her lead the way. Go to listen and not confront. Don’t run up and hug her, just greet her and see if there is a sign she wants to be hugged. It’s been 8 years and this is not a teen but a 26 year old woman.

They did let her lead the way so it was a rather short meeting, but now they are hopeful. It was hesitant and scary, and they didn’t hug when they saw her or before they left. They didn’t probe her to find out where she had been. Mary is hesitant and scared, but she had joined Alcoholics Anonymous and part of the program is to ask forgiveness of those you have hurt. Mary has agreed to go to family counseling with them. Ron and Stacy are hopeful but cautious: they’ve been wounded deeply and fear losing her again. There is a small light at the end of that tunnel, and I’m keeping this family in my thoughts.

Made it through Mother’s Day: how’d you do?

I thought I should write an update following my last blog about Mother’s Day.

Much to my relief, it wasn’t too bad this year.

We spent the day with my wonderful mother-in-law. It was great spending the day with her.

Did I miss my mom on that day? Absolutely, but my world doesn’t revolve around sorrow – there are some trigger points for me to think about loss. It’s appropriate to think about people we’ve lost, especially on special days.

And then there’s my son. Still not talking and I really miss him especially on Mother’s Day, but I’m not devastated as I was in years past. My feelings float in and out of resignation, anger, calm, hurt and so on.

Overall, I am stronger this year. Someone asked me about coping with a severed family relationship, and I think it’s like with death in that it takes time to learn to cope and adjust to a “new normal” as they say.

I’m taking some positive steps and hear my son is doing the same. I started going to a support group to reinforce how not to enable, how to let some things go. I appreciate the group and when I go, I am going in to listen to others without thinking about writing their stories. Whatever I hear there is confidential. I can see that for a few years I’ve written other people’s stories and distanced myself from my feelings. Now it’s time for me to look inward without thinking about what I will write here. I know I’ll find more things to write about and so will my contributors.

If you found this blog or read my post as you were worried about Mother’s Day, tell me how you fared. Was it hard? Easier than it was? What tips can you share to help others?

Dreading Mother’s Day? Me, too.

Last year I wrote about Mother’s Day and how I felt about it.

It hasn’t been an easy day for me in years. As I child, I remember looking forward to giving Mama something I had made, and even when I gave her simple beads on a string, she would beam and thank me and she’d wear the necklace. My mother was special, and she died at age 50. I’ve been without her more than half my life. I still miss her, wonder what her life would have been like, what our relationship would have been like had she lived longer. I especially missed her and appreciated all she had done once I had my own child.

If you’re a regular reader, you know that this blog is an offshoot of the book I wrote, “Strained Relations: Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens.” The book and this blog came about as a result of my experiences with my son. I’ve talked with many people over the years about difficult or troubled teens, and it helped me to know I was not alone. It also helped that I was an investigator, keeping my own emotions out of it.

This year, more than others, I’m dealing with those emotions. I still don’t talk with my son and it’s been exactly four years and one month since he lived in our home. I really miss the child I had and the time we spent together. There were issues along the way, but really, it’s been since he was 13 that he was someone with whom you could have a conversation. He is 22 now and I’m still hopeful that we’ll repair our relationship in the future.

For that repair to happen I have to grow and learn and he has to do the same. I’m doing my part and hoping for good things for him.

Now I want to say one final thing about Mother’s Day. This is the most painful and cruel day for a mom who has lost a child. My son had a friend who came to our home several times. In the brief conversations we had, I had a richer sense of who he was and what was on his mind than I had with my own son. He was a lovely boy and very close to his family. He died suddenly when he was in college, and it wasn’t due to horrible things you assume with kids that age – he simply died. An adult’s version of sudden infant death syndrome, I suppose. I felt terrible, deeply sorry for his loss, for the loss to his parents and family.

If you’re wondering how you talk with someone who is estranged from a child or worse, that the child has died, here’s what I would do. I would say to that person, “I was thinking of you and I’m sure you miss your child. Do you want to talk about it?” Just acknowledge the loss, the emptiness, and don’t pry. If the person doesn’t want to talk, he or she won’t do it, but the important thing is that you have let them know it’s okay to talk or not talk, that you’re there and you care.

Take care, friends.

Are You Bullied by Your Child?

As parents, we want our children to be respected at school and most of us would be upset if they were being bullied. We teach our children to stand up for themselves and we may enlist the aid of the teacher and principal. We don’t want children to be bullied, so why would we allow them to bully parents?

A father and teenage son were at a table in a restaurant near my friends. The son was berating the father, being sarcastic, talking back, insulting his father and using foul language.

My friends were shocked to hear a teenager talk to a parent like that. The father didn’t reprimand the son and didn’t do anything other than hang his head. Frankly, given the people I’ve interviewed and the people who have contacted me, I find this shocking but I am not surprised.

I imagine the father has been bullied by his child for years and did not address it when it started. When you overlook this behavior or give the child a “pass”, the child can assume it is okay to be disrespectful to parents. Bad behavior that is allowed will often escalate, and once escalated, parents may feel helpless to stop it.

Bullying comes in many forms, but experts agree that it is repeated behavior that is intended to intimidate, humiliate or demean another person. It is intentional disrespect. It may take the form of verbal abuse like the father and son in the restaurant. The bully has a pattern of behavior that may include yelling, intimidation or humiliation, criticism, insults or even personal sabotage. This emotional abuse may escalate into damaging personal property or even physically harming family members with the idea of further intimidation.

Victims of bullies usually do not confront the bully or react aggressively. They may have different reasons behind their decisions not to confront, and it could be that they don’t want to stoop to the other person’s level. Maybe the victim is startled, upset or angry and decides to walk away; hoping that will prevent reoccurrence of bad behavior, but the bully sees this as a victory. You’ve just given your child a lot of control over you by not speaking up for yourself.

Whatever form it takes, the parents have to consider this to be intolerable behavior and must put a stop to it. Clearly define what bullying is, talk about it in your family, explain it will not be tolerated and the disciplinary action that will be taken to those who violate the family rules. Train your children about what is and is not appropriate behavior and what constitutes a healthier environment in the home. Teach kindness and sympathy, acknowledge and reward small steps in the right direction with praise and a hug.

Children learn from the model you present and the way you talk with them, the corrections and guidance you give them. It’s in your family’s best interests to stop bad behavior, don’t let it slide and don’t avoid confronting it. Help your child to stop the bullying and stop being a victim.