Faith Blitman, M.A. is a Psychotherapist and Certified Drug and Alcohol Assessor in Philadelphia, PA. She provides individual, group and family counseling as well as drug and alcohol assessment and counseling. Faith Blitman, M.A. and Brian Loughlin, M. Ed. work in LINKS, a family reunification program within the Family Service Association in Bucks County, PA. For questions or additional information, please feel free to e-mail either faithblitman@aol.com or bloughlin@fsabc.org.
According to Stan Davis, a school counselor and bully prevention expert in Maine, a bullying incident occurs every seven minutes. He further speculates that adults intervene in only 4% of school incidents and peers intervene in 11% of these incidents. Bullying is pandemic and can take many forms: (1) Physical - hitting, kicking, punching and shoving; (2) Verbal – insults, name-calling, threatening, disparaging a person’s race, sexual preference, religion, etc., (3) Indirect – spreading gossip/rumors, attempting to turn one’s peer group against them, shooting hateful looks, telling malicious lies; and finally, the deliberate omission of a person from their peer group with the intent of engendering feelings of rejection; (4) Cyber-bullying – sending hurtful text messages, e-mails and instant messages as well as posting injurious information on web pages and sites; (5) Reactive bullying takes place when an individual impulsively acts out of frustration, typically in response to an episode of stress. This particular type of bullying may be the most difficult with which to deal since the person behaves in the dual role of bully and victim.
The causes of bullying behavior vary from individual to individual. Sometimes bullying is learned at home and can result from a lack of supervision, warmth or attention, by reinforcing inconsistent boundaries and rules, as well as by observing parents and older siblings using bullying techniques as a means of managing conflict. Moreover, such parents tend to also incorporate emotional outbursts and physical discipline as corrective measures for their children’s behaviors. Sometimes people require learning new parenting skills since the only tools in their armory are the ones they have learned from their own parents. Hence, the cycle of bullying may be inadvertently passed from generation to generation without benefit of additional intervention and learning. Bullying behavior can also be generated when a person has been bullied by classmates and learns how to express aggression in this manner. Finally, some individuals seem to have a genetic predisposition towards bullying behaviors. Nonetheless, regardless of the cause(s), counseling can help.
The effects of bullying can be profound: damaged self-esteem, anxiety, depression, toxic shame, absenteeism from school, and rage along with a strong tendency to want to exact revenge on perpetrators. Some victims feel so beaten down from this abuse that they simply withdraw from life, relying upon alcohol and drugs to medicate their intense pain or engaging in other addictive/compulsive behaviors. Some who are feeling discarded and uncared for may become pregnant as a desperate means of securing love into their lives. Most significantly, there has been no shortage of reports in the news recently of pre-teens and teens who have been so distraught by bullying, that they saw no escape from their agony but to end their own lives.
There is yet another subset of children who have been bullied who tend to identify with their aggressors, and in contrast to the aforementioned victims, act-out their rage by joining gangs, engaging in criminal acts and frequently perpetuate the bullying cycle by later abusing their own spouses and children. Some of these individuals have been responsible for mass causality school shootings. Since the bully has markedly more power than the victim, the longer bullying ensues, the greater grows the imbalance of power.
Regardless of how any act of abuse presents itself, children need to be well-educated regarding what constitutes bullying, how they should conduct themselves if they or a friend are being victimized by a bully, and to whom they should report these abusive acts. Most researchers quickly point out that bullying behaviors remain consistent if there is no intervention. Nonetheless, when an appropriate and consistent intervention is applied, negative behaviors have been reversible. In addition, it is critical that parents, teachers, and other stewards offer validation and attempt to build as trusting and caring a relationship as possible, so children feel comfortable sharing their concerns. After all, it is every child’s right to feel safe and valued in the world, and it is up to adults to help make that happen.
What can a concerned parent do?
• Be supportive, encourage openness when speaking with your child.
• Express your concerns with your child’s teacher, guidance counselor or principal (making certain to talk this over with your child before taking action).
• Encourage your child to talk to you and other adults at school.
• Ask your child’s school to educate students about bullying.
• If the bullying/victimization behaviors continue, don’t hesitate to seek professional counseling.
Showing posts with label Faith Blitman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith Blitman. Show all posts
Friday, December 23, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Guest Blogger Faith Blitman: Help, My Child May Be Chemically Dependent: What Should I Do?
Faith Blitman, M.A. is a Psychotherapist and Certified Drug and Alcohol Assessor in Philadelphia, PA. She provides individual, group and family counseling as well as drug and alcohol assessment and counseling. You can reach her at faithblitman@aol.com.
Despite warnings children may experiment with drugs for a multitude of reasons: curiosity, peer pressure, to escape anxiety and depression or simply to feel good. Some children who experiment with drugs ultimately become addicts, while others do not. While genetics play a role in addiction, there is no fail-proof, early warning system to alert the child who is using, that due to his or her unique vulnerabilities or proclivities, addiction may be imminent. The process of addiction is an insidious one – many who experiment do so to temporarily forget their problems but as the addiction gains momentum, it inevitably wreaks havoc on every facet of the user’s life. It also tends to wreak as great or greater havoc on parents’ lives who helplessly and painfully witness the loss of their child to drugs and alcohol. The bitter irony is that the addiction itself becomes far more deleterious and pervasive than the original problem which motivated the child to use drugs in the first place.
Drug addiction can be psychological, physical or both. Many recreational drugs attach to the same receptors as brain chemicals and act as disinhibitory agents. Normal behavioral control is undermined and suspended, accounting for many of your child’s mood and behavior changes. Drugs often hijack the brain (most notably, the prefrontal cortex), typically resulting in a severely comprised ability to carry out important survival skills such as planning, exercising sound judgment and resisting temptation.
As a concerned parent, it is helpful to be aware of the signs and symptoms which are frequently associated with drug abuse . . .
Changes in Mood and Behavior including: mood swings, e.g. depression, mania, anxiety, isolation, paranoia, increased or inappropriate anger, relationship changes, increased secretiveness or lying, changes in sleeping patterns (up all night or sleeping excessively), changing friends
Problems in School or Work i.e. increased absenteeism, problems getting along with others, drop in grades or productivity, loss of interest in (class) work or extracurricular activities
Problems in the Home or Community – be aware of dwindling or missing prescriptions, alcohol, money, jewelry and other valuables, the presence of rolling papers, pipes, bongs, or needles, pills, powders and other unknown substances, car accidents, fights, legal problems
Traumatic Events – for example, a loss of a significant person through death, divorce, etc. , a history of sexual, emotional or physical abuse, witnessing a horrific event such as a murder, domestic abuse, etc., military combat (PTSD) can lead to using
Changes in Personal Appearance including glassy eyes, unkempt appearance,
changes in grooming, significant loss or gain in weight
Assuming your child is exhibiting at least some of these indicators, what should you as a concerned parent do?
1) Approach your child with a caring and calm attitude. Your child’s life may well feel out of control to him or her so it is important for you to stay in control for the both of you. Do not confront until you feel calm. (Should you experience guilt, remind yourself it was your child’s decision to use, not yours.)
2) Confront your child with whatever evidence or suspicions you may have. Let him or her know that you are there to offer your love, support and help. Avoid giving the third degree or lecturing; your role is to build a climate of safety and caring, thus assisting your child to admit and share concerns about drug use.
3) Set firm and reasonable boundaries. Clearly delineate which behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable and inform your child of the consequences (both positive and negative), of their behavior. Consistency in following through provides clarity and stability for you and your child.
4) Denial is a major component of addiction. If you’ve confronted your child and he or she denies having a problem, a well-planned intervention which includes his or her friends, family and professionals may be advisable.
5) Seek professional assistance. Chemical dependency does not occur in a vacuum and affects the entire family. A skillful therapist can objectively assess your situation to determine which type and level of treatment is best suited to the needs of your child (in addition to your child attending Narcotics Anonymous and/or Alcoholics Anonymous). Moreover, a therapist can assist family members in establishing appropriate boundaries, by teaching effective coping skills and helping to identify and modify maladaptive patterns of thinking and behaving.
6) Self-care is critical. In addition to therapy, spending time with friends or developing a supportive network is essential to your well-being. Many parents who have a chemically dependent child also reap tremendous benefits by participating in their own 12-step programs such as Nar-Anon (for friends and family concerned about a loved one’s drug addiction) , Al-Anon (for friends and family concerned about a loved one’s drinking), and CoDA (Co-dependents Anonymous to help establish healthier relationships). Pursue hobbies, exercise, take classes and live your life. You will inevitably feel better and also be an even healthier role model for your child. In life, we cannot control other people, but we do control who we are and who we are can flourish despite adversity.
Despite warnings children may experiment with drugs for a multitude of reasons: curiosity, peer pressure, to escape anxiety and depression or simply to feel good. Some children who experiment with drugs ultimately become addicts, while others do not. While genetics play a role in addiction, there is no fail-proof, early warning system to alert the child who is using, that due to his or her unique vulnerabilities or proclivities, addiction may be imminent. The process of addiction is an insidious one – many who experiment do so to temporarily forget their problems but as the addiction gains momentum, it inevitably wreaks havoc on every facet of the user’s life. It also tends to wreak as great or greater havoc on parents’ lives who helplessly and painfully witness the loss of their child to drugs and alcohol. The bitter irony is that the addiction itself becomes far more deleterious and pervasive than the original problem which motivated the child to use drugs in the first place.
Drug addiction can be psychological, physical or both. Many recreational drugs attach to the same receptors as brain chemicals and act as disinhibitory agents. Normal behavioral control is undermined and suspended, accounting for many of your child’s mood and behavior changes. Drugs often hijack the brain (most notably, the prefrontal cortex), typically resulting in a severely comprised ability to carry out important survival skills such as planning, exercising sound judgment and resisting temptation.
As a concerned parent, it is helpful to be aware of the signs and symptoms which are frequently associated with drug abuse . . .
Changes in Mood and Behavior including: mood swings, e.g. depression, mania, anxiety, isolation, paranoia, increased or inappropriate anger, relationship changes, increased secretiveness or lying, changes in sleeping patterns (up all night or sleeping excessively), changing friends
Problems in School or Work i.e. increased absenteeism, problems getting along with others, drop in grades or productivity, loss of interest in (class) work or extracurricular activities
Problems in the Home or Community – be aware of dwindling or missing prescriptions, alcohol, money, jewelry and other valuables, the presence of rolling papers, pipes, bongs, or needles, pills, powders and other unknown substances, car accidents, fights, legal problems
Traumatic Events – for example, a loss of a significant person through death, divorce, etc. , a history of sexual, emotional or physical abuse, witnessing a horrific event such as a murder, domestic abuse, etc., military combat (PTSD) can lead to using
Changes in Personal Appearance including glassy eyes, unkempt appearance,
changes in grooming, significant loss or gain in weight
Assuming your child is exhibiting at least some of these indicators, what should you as a concerned parent do?
1) Approach your child with a caring and calm attitude. Your child’s life may well feel out of control to him or her so it is important for you to stay in control for the both of you. Do not confront until you feel calm. (Should you experience guilt, remind yourself it was your child’s decision to use, not yours.)
2) Confront your child with whatever evidence or suspicions you may have. Let him or her know that you are there to offer your love, support and help. Avoid giving the third degree or lecturing; your role is to build a climate of safety and caring, thus assisting your child to admit and share concerns about drug use.
3) Set firm and reasonable boundaries. Clearly delineate which behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable and inform your child of the consequences (both positive and negative), of their behavior. Consistency in following through provides clarity and stability for you and your child.
4) Denial is a major component of addiction. If you’ve confronted your child and he or she denies having a problem, a well-planned intervention which includes his or her friends, family and professionals may be advisable.
5) Seek professional assistance. Chemical dependency does not occur in a vacuum and affects the entire family. A skillful therapist can objectively assess your situation to determine which type and level of treatment is best suited to the needs of your child (in addition to your child attending Narcotics Anonymous and/or Alcoholics Anonymous). Moreover, a therapist can assist family members in establishing appropriate boundaries, by teaching effective coping skills and helping to identify and modify maladaptive patterns of thinking and behaving.
6) Self-care is critical. In addition to therapy, spending time with friends or developing a supportive network is essential to your well-being. Many parents who have a chemically dependent child also reap tremendous benefits by participating in their own 12-step programs such as Nar-Anon (for friends and family concerned about a loved one’s drug addiction) , Al-Anon (for friends and family concerned about a loved one’s drinking), and CoDA (Co-dependents Anonymous to help establish healthier relationships). Pursue hobbies, exercise, take classes and live your life. You will inevitably feel better and also be an even healthier role model for your child. In life, we cannot control other people, but we do control who we are and who we are can flourish despite adversity.
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