Being the parent of a troubled or difficult teen can be a lonely and isolating experience. It's easier to endure once you know you're not the only one with these problems. Through interviews with parents and professionals and in providing topics for discussion, our hope is to empower parents.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Do you know the next Jared Lee Loughner?
Like many people, I feel that the yelling and disrespect shown to others creates a climate in our society that is not only unpleasant: it’s dangerous.
That said, I do not hold anyone responsible for this shooting except Jared Lee Loughner, the 22 year old charged in this shooting that killed 6 people and injured 14 others, including U.S. Representative Gabrielle Giffords.
As the news unfolded, we began to get a clearer picture of Jared and his mental illness. The life incidents that happened to Jared would, in an emotionally and mentally healthy person, be a chance to demonstrate resilience, to learn and grow from being hurt, being fired, being rejected.
Jared’s parents are Randy and Amy Loughner, an apparently very private couple: even their neighbors didn’t know them and no friends have come forward. Jared dropped out of high school and started developing behavioral problems with a change in his personality. (It is logical to assume his problems led to his dropping out of school, but I don’t know this as fact.)
High school classmates saw his life unraveling: he abused drugs and alcohol and his behavior and conversations became bizarre. A friend’s father felt uncomfortable around him, friends turned away.
Court records indicated he had 2 offenses in 2007 for possession of drug paraphernalia and defacing a street sign, and he completed diversion programs for each.
In 2008, the U.S. Army rejected Jared as “unqualified” for service. During the application process, he had admitted to marijuana use on numerous occasions.
Jared started taking classes at Pima Community College, and from February to September 2010, campus officers talked to him on 5 occasions as he was disruptive in class and at the library. A teacher and a classmate indicated they were fearful he would commit a school shooting.
In September 2010, college police discovered his YouTube video in which he said the college was illegal according to the United States Constitution. He was asked by administrators to leave school and return only if he obtained a mental health clearance. They wanted a professional to say that Jared did not pose a danger to himself or others.
Jared had a job at Quiznos but was fired: the manager said Jared had a change in his personality. Jared volunteered at an animal shelter but was asked not to return.
Even with this pattern of deep problems, rejections, being fired, being told he needed help, Dr. Laura Nelson, deputy director for behavioral health at the Arizona Department of Health Services, said the state had no record of Jared seeking mental health treatment in the public system.
The night before the shooting, he left a message on his friend’s voicemail along with a Myspace post saying goodbye.
With all the signs: problems at high school and community college, drugs, drinking, being fired from a job and volunteer work, rejection by the Army, disturbing private texts and public videos, friends and parents of friends seeing problems – how is it there was no help for Jared?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m thinking a lot about all of the people murdered and wounded that day and the ongoing trauma to their families. I’m also thinking that if Jared had professional help, this may have been prevented.
One interview with a psychologist was asked about Jared’s parents, and she said there could be a few scenarios at home but we’re not sure what happened. In some similar cases, there is mental illness in one or both of the parents. Another possibility is that the parents took him to therapists but he stopped at some point. The final option is that the parents didn’t know what to do, were at the end of their rope, maybe they were afraid of him. I don’t know what was happening in Jared’s home and none of us know that part of the puzzle.
Just three years earlier at Virginia Polytechnic Institute (“Virginia Tech”), Seung-Hui Cho killed 32 people and wounded many other people before he committed suicide. Some of his history seems similar to Jared’s. The Virginia Tech Review Panel said Virginia Tech administrators failed to take action that might have reduced the number of casualties. The panel also pointed out gaps in mental health care and privacy laws that left Seung-Hui’s condition untreated.
Wouldn’t you think that following Seung-Hui Cho’s rampage, all schools would be alerted to do more to protect the greater society? Sometimes the schools have to step in when the parents can’t or won’t.
It’s surprising that we haven’t seen more shootings like this. Unless we deal frankly and effectively with the heart of the problem, we are all endangered. A percentage of our population is seriously mentally ill and they are underserved with resources. Family and friends do not always know how to help, when to report someone, where to turn.
Some of the parents who find my book and blog and write to me need to stop and think about their own kids. Is there something you need to act on or are they facing normal teenage angst? There is also a difference between the angry teen who yells and punches the wall versus the mentally ill teen who is rambling incoherently and has inappropriate verbal outbursts.
If you’re seeing bizarre behavior, when that’s combined with drugs and/or alcohol, when your child’s friends drift away or if you have warnings from school, you must take action.
If your child’s friend is going down that path or your student is acting in a bizarre fashion, use the resources at hand. Don’t be afraid to speak up: you may be saving the life of that child and the lives of others.
I have a list of resources on my blog and encourage you to review the list, make the call if you need to on behalf of your child or your child’s friend.
NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS
Telephone: (757) 563-1600
Association for Experiential Education
CHADD – Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder
Telephone: (301) 306-7070
Healthy Communities Initiative
Telephone: (610) 891-6286
National Association for the Mentally Ill
Telephone: (800) 950-NAMI (6264)
National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs
Telephone: (928) 443-9505
National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information
Telephone: (800) 729-6686
National Institute on Drug Abuse
National Mental Health Information Center
Telephone: (800) 789-2647
National Youth Network
Telephone: (800) 789-2647
Telephone: (800) 372-8886
Telephone: (877) 375-6498
Telephone: (877) 375-6498
The International Network for Children and Families
Telephone: (877) 375-6498
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Divorce Poison by Richard A. Warshak
Don’t Divorce Us! Kids Advice to Divorcing Parents by Rita Sommers-Flanigan, Chelsea Elander, and John Sommers-Flanigan
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Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family by Dr. Phil McGraw
Field Guide to the American Teenager by Michael Riera, Ph.D., and Joseph DiPrisco, Ph.D.
Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D.
How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What to Do If You Can’t by Dr. Neil I. Bernstein
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Real Boys Workbook: The Definitive Guide to Understanding and Interacting with Boys of All Ages by William S. Pollack, Ph.D. and Kathleen Cushman
Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What They’re Really Saying by Michael Riera, Ph.D.
Strained Relations: Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens by Marcia Stein (Click here for the ebook.)
Stress Less, Soar More: 1-Minute Tips for Parenting Gifted Teens by Margit Crane, M.A., M.S., M.Ed
Teens Who Hurt: Clinical Interventions to Break the Cycle of Adolescent Violence by Kenneth V. Hardy and Tracey A. Laszloffy
The Difficult Child: Expanded and Revised Edition by Stanley Turecki and Leslie Tonner
The Everything Parent’s Guide to Children with Depression by Rebecca Rutledge, Ph.D.
The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine
Uncommon Sense for Parents With Teenagers by Michael Riera, Ph.D.,
What it takes to pull me through: Why Teenagers Get in Trouble and How Four of Them Got Out by David L. Marcus
Why Do They Act That Way?: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen by David Walsh and Nat Bennett
Help for Struggling Teens and Families: Observations and Discussions with Jeff Brain, MA, CTS, CEP
Support for Families with Troubled Teens
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Dore Frances, Troubled Teen Help