The Son, The Parents, Juvenile Hall and Emotions

I recently met "Lisa" and she told me about her 19-year-old son, "Marc." 

As a child, he was sweet and sensitive, but once he hit his teen years, he was sarcastic and mean with little regard for others.  He thought nothing of disrespecting his parents, calling them cruel names and disregarding their rules.  Once a good student, he was causing trouble at school and was often sent to the principal's and counselor's office.

The parents did not know what to do.  They sought advice from the school counselor, went to family therapy, sent their son to a therapist, but nothing improved.   

They stopped taking him to family events as they never knew what would trigger his anger or how rudely he would treat others.  Family members asked about him but the parents always covered for him, saying he was busy with school or activities.  They did the same thing with their friends and that further isolated them.  They were living with tremendous stress in the household - they had no support and no safety net. 

When Marc was 15, Lisa was doing Spring cleaning and opened discovered a large bag with prescription bottles with various people’s names on them.  This was something they could not ignore and, heartbroken and feeling as they were falling off a cliff, they called the police.

Their son was in a ring of kids who were stealing drugs from their family medicine chests and if visiting extended family or other kids, they'd steal from those people, too.  Marc and his friends were sentenced to Juvenile Hall.  Had he done this as an adult, who knows how long he'd be in prison? 

When he was in Juvenile Hall, he was mandated to attend ongoing therapy and a drug rehab program.  Marc's parents visited regularly and were shocked to learn this was the first extended period of time since he was 11 that he was not high. 

I asked how they felt when he was sentenced and living in another place, how did they cope? 

Lisa said it was devastating and a relief at the same time.  When they had this beautiful, smart, funny and affectionate child, they never could have predicted the terrible turn his life and their life had taken.  Their family dream included family vacations, enjoying viewing his activities at school, and frankly, bragging about their wonderful son. 

Once they started their nightmare with him, all of those dreams had to be shelved and to make things worse, they were afraid of him.  Each day they wondered what would he do next: break things in the house?  Would he harm them emotionally or physically? 

When he was out of the house, they found themselves mourning his loss and the loss of their dreams while feeling relief that the stress and worry of living with him was relieved.  They went to marriage and family counseling and Al Anon meetings to learn what they did to enable him and how to change their own behaviors.  They also shared their story with select family and friends, finding love, support and understanding.  It has made them stronger as a couple and their relationship with their son is mended. 

While Lisa still resents the lost time and hurt her son caused, she and her husband are learning to move forward.   

Marc is in a vocational school, living on his own and working to support himself.

Marcia Stein, PHR is the author of Strained Relations:  Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens.

Amy Winehouse Was Once a Little Girl

It’s well-documented and much too familiar. A creative, talented singer with drug and alcohol problems, in and out of rehab and then dead at 27. We all saw it coming but it’s still shocking.

She was once a little girl, wanted and loved and singing with her father at home. If you’re reading this blog, you likely know the experience of being with a child, holding him or her, reading and singing songs and playing together.

Even when you don’t know that that child will do in life, you want him or her to have a successful life, meaning being kind, happy and fulfilled, self-supporting and generous to others. You want that child to navigate safely through tempting and possibly dangerous situations.

In Amy’s case, according to Wikipedia, she was constantly singing and the teachers had a hard time keeping her quiet. When she was nine years old, her grandmother suggested she attend a theatre school. She was allegedly expelled at age 14 for “not applying herself” and getting her nose pierced.
I’m not sure when or why she started using and abusing drugs and alcohol, maybe in those early teen years, but it took over her life.

A couple of years ago, her father tried asking people not to go to her concerts, hoping that if the concerts were cancelled, she would hit bottom and go to rehab. It wasn’t in the interests of anyone else involved in her career (such as her record company, manager, agent and PR person) for her to miss concerts. They had a financial interest in her carrying on, even though it was clearly dangerous for her.

It was a desperate move from a distraught parent. It’s hard seeing someone you love go through personal difficulties of this magnitude.

Before I heard the news of her death, I had been listening to one of her songs and wondering what was happening to her. She was falling apart on her tours from all reports and it seemed evident she was in serious trouble again. The end of this story for Amy and her family is tragic. For some of the people who’ve read my book and read this blog, this event hits too close to home.

If you have someone in your life that is abusing drugs and/or alcohol, these things can’t be wished away. That person has to want to change, has to put in a lot of hard work and ongoing efforts such as going to meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous.

For family members, support, information and help is available through Al-Anon, based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I encourage you to learn about these groups and other options and gather the courage to attend.