After a Long Estrangement: Reuniting!

My regular readers know why I wrote the book (Strained Relations:  Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens) and started this blog: it was all inspired by my own difficult relationship with my son.  I haven’t written for some time because I was wondering if I had something of value to add from my story. I just haven’t tended this garden.

Here’s why.

I’ve been estranged from my 24 year old son since he was 18. I saw him briefly a couple of times in those years but we had no real conversation, and the reaction I received let me know it wasn’t time for him to talk yet.

So I’ve waited. It’s been tough. It’s like having a headache or a fever, not a severe one, but one that’s distracting and prevents you from fully experiencing whatever it is you’re doing.

I’ve had this 6 year low-grade fever. We’ve gone about our lives, working and playing, traveling and enjoying family visits, taking classes and going to museums, theaters and the movies. All with that fever that could be triggered to cause more pain depending on the discussion, movie or song.

I’ve reached out over this time in occasional emails asking if he is open to seeing me. One time I had my hopes up. He told my former husband he was ready to see me and responded to my email. I excitedly checked my email and the spam folder and there was nothing from my son. I wrote and asked for another note and he did not respond.

Not frequently, but maybe ever 6 months or so in the last couple of years I have reached out via email. It’s not in my nature to give up and I’ve had hope without a timeframe.

Recently, I wrote and asked if he was ready to see me yet. The answer was yes! We set up a time and place.

I was so excited, happy, scared, anxious, angry about lost time, and had a dozen other emotions swirling around.

The day before, he wrote that he had not made adequate plans to get there and dinner was cancelled.

This happened right before our vacation and business trip, and I was on edge. Was he backing out or was it an honest mistake?

When I returned, I asked about meeting in his town on a Saturday, and he said yes.

On Saturday, I had an early errand on the way and wound up outside the restaurant for 2 hours. I brought things to read and tried to concentrate on them. Played some music.

I went inside and waited. Then he came in, I was still sitting as I wasn’t sure if I had the strength in my legs to get up – I was so nervous. I stood and he reached out, willing to hug me. I hugged him with all of my love.

I thanked him for coming, for being brave to see me, that I was happy to see him.

We had some chitchat about what we were doing and then we got into more about what was really happening in his life, how that affected us.  He confessed to some things he had done and he apologized.  I apologized for not knowing what to do to make things change for him.

We talked for about an hour and a half. I have a lot more questions, more to learn, more to share, but I didn’t want to overwhelm him and was very emotional about everything.

He isn’t the boy I saw at 18. He’s a man. He looks a little different. His thought process is much clearer and it’s exciting to get a little insight into who he is now.  He doesn't need me every day and it could be that I won't see him for months.

It’s a start. It’s like going up a 10 story building using the stairs and carrying a backpack of rocks as you go. With each step, you take a rock out of the bag and your climb is still challenging but easier as you go.

This is huge and really a lot to take in. I may write, I may not, but know that there are possibilities in life, that you can go through things that are difficult and come through the other side.

Marcia Stein, PHR is the author of Strained Relations:  Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens.

How to Disclose Family Estrangement or Difficulties

A few of my readers have asked me to address this topic. In my book, the first chapter is devoted to three estranged families. The other families have repaired relationships, but they went through some period of difficulties.

Before you talk with anyone about your situation, consider the reasons for disclosing any information, and that will help you determine what you want to say and which people you can trust, which ones you should avoid.

What would be the reasons to talk about your family situation? One reason for me was that it was more helpful to lead an honest and open life than to keep my pain hidden. I learned that when I shared selective information honestly, I received help and support and kindness through what has been a challenging time. If you live in a small town or have a certain network of friends and family, they may have observed your problems and have been worried about your family.

The most important lesson for me was that I could be honest, protect details of the situation, receive support and learn that I was not alone. That’s a big thing, knowing you’re not alone. It’s helpful no matter what you’re going through in life.

If you decide to talk with others about your family difficulties, be prepared for a wide range of responses. Some people will be sympathetic and share their own stories. Others will want to be your therapist/coach. We all dread those who may judge you harshly, even though your situation may be extreme and may include violence in your family. The truth is, it’s hard to know with some people how they’ll react, but for the most part, you know your family and friends.

The chosen confidants would be people you know are supportive, good listeners, and respectful people. They have to be people you can trust.

The people to avoid are fairly easy to pick: the ones who are usually judgmental, gossipy and/or critical. You know who that is, don’t you?

Because this is information you’re volunteering, you can also pick the time and place in which to share. It should be private – don’t put yourself in a position where people can eavesdrop. And if you find you’re not ready to share yet, don’t do it. This is your information, your pain, and you are not obligated to share anything.

You should be comfortable and ready to share, and that means being prepared for questions. Some people have a lot of questions, others just listen. For those who have questions, consider what kinds of questions they may ask so you’re ready to respond. It’s helpful to provide some resources such as books or websites. This helps demonstrate you’re not alone and gives others additional insights.

If they ask what they can do to help, let them know. Sometimes all you need is someone to talk with, someone to say “I understand” or someone to just say “I’m thinking of you.”

If you’ve been in a difficult family situation and decided to share this with others, what was your experience?