It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written, and I could go into lengthy reasons, but I will instead say we took a fantastic vacation, my old computer died, had to get a new one, suffered though re-doing each program and lost a lot of data. Meanwhile, I learned more disheartening and worrisome news about our son. Just when I think he’s on the brink of getting on-track.
One of the things I’ve been mulling over is that when you’re living in the same house where you have difficult memories, being concerned about your child, where s/he is, how s/he’s doing, what will be in the future, it’s hard to remove yourself from that spiral of thoughts, worries, re-plays of conversations/fights and missed opportunities, second-guessing and regrets. At least, that’s the way it is for me, so I assume it must be the same for many others.
Going away, being out of our environment and going to a foreign country with a different culture worked some magic in reminding me about perspective.
We live in California, and although there are older buildings and ruins we can visit, our area is mostly pretty new. It’s the Silicon Valley, focused on the now. Out trip to France reminded me of our distant past, of Western history and culture, and of the thought that we are still but specks on this planet.
Walking down the street and seeing buildings that have been occupied for a thousand years does tend to put things in place.
It was a good reminder for me that whatever we’re going through with our son, whatever you’re going through with your child or family member, there are only a few ways it can go. Things can stay the same, they could improve a little, or you can turn our relationship around so that it is fully repaired.
If I can hold on to that thought that things may change, that I can control and work on some things, and other things are out of my control, I will be okay.
I hope you can hold onto these thoughts during the holiday season, a really difficult time for many. Best wishes.
Showing posts with label family difficulties. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family difficulties. Show all posts
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Made it through Mother’s Day: how’d you do?
I thought I should write an update following my last blog about Mother’s Day.
Much to my relief, it wasn’t too bad this year.
We spent the day with my wonderful mother-in-law. It was great spending the day with her.
Did I miss my mom on that day? Absolutely, but my world doesn’t revolve around sorrow – there are some trigger points for me to think about loss. It’s appropriate to think about people we’ve lost, especially on special days.
And then there’s my son. Still not talking and I really miss him especially on Mother’s Day, but I’m not devastated as I was in years past. My feelings float in and out of resignation, anger, calm, hurt and so on.
Overall, I am stronger this year. Someone asked me about coping with a severed family relationship, and I think it’s like with death in that it takes time to learn to cope and adjust to a “new normal” as they say.
I’m taking some positive steps and hear my son is doing the same. I started going to a support group to reinforce how not to enable, how to let some things go. I appreciate the group and when I go, I am going in to listen to others without thinking about writing their stories. Whatever I hear there is confidential. I can see that for a few years I’ve written other people’s stories and distanced myself from my feelings. Now it’s time for me to look inward without thinking about what I will write here. I know I’ll find more things to write about and so will my contributors.
If you found this blog or read my post as you were worried about Mother’s Day, tell me how you fared. Was it hard? Easier than it was? What tips can you share to help others?
Much to my relief, it wasn’t too bad this year.
We spent the day with my wonderful mother-in-law. It was great spending the day with her.
Did I miss my mom on that day? Absolutely, but my world doesn’t revolve around sorrow – there are some trigger points for me to think about loss. It’s appropriate to think about people we’ve lost, especially on special days.
And then there’s my son. Still not talking and I really miss him especially on Mother’s Day, but I’m not devastated as I was in years past. My feelings float in and out of resignation, anger, calm, hurt and so on.
Overall, I am stronger this year. Someone asked me about coping with a severed family relationship, and I think it’s like with death in that it takes time to learn to cope and adjust to a “new normal” as they say.
I’m taking some positive steps and hear my son is doing the same. I started going to a support group to reinforce how not to enable, how to let some things go. I appreciate the group and when I go, I am going in to listen to others without thinking about writing their stories. Whatever I hear there is confidential. I can see that for a few years I’ve written other people’s stories and distanced myself from my feelings. Now it’s time for me to look inward without thinking about what I will write here. I know I’ll find more things to write about and so will my contributors.
If you found this blog or read my post as you were worried about Mother’s Day, tell me how you fared. Was it hard? Easier than it was? What tips can you share to help others?
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
How to Disclose Family Estrangement or Difficulties
A few of my readers have asked me to address this topic. In my book, the first chapter is devoted to three estranged families. The other families have repaired relationships, but they went through some period of difficulties.
Before you talk with anyone about your situation, consider the reasons for disclosing any information, and that will help you determine what you want to say and which people you can trust, which ones you should avoid.
What would be the reasons to talk about your family situation? One reason for me was that it was more helpful to lead an honest and open life than to keep my pain hidden. I learned that when I shared selective information honestly, I received help and support and kindness through what has been a challenging time. If you live in a small town or have a certain network of friends and family, they may have observed your problems and have been worried about your family.
The most important lesson for me was that I could be honest, protect details of the situation, receive support and learn that I was not alone. That’s a big thing, knowing you’re not alone. It’s helpful no matter what you’re going through in life.
If you decide to talk with others about your family difficulties, be prepared for a wide range of responses. Some people will be sympathetic and share their own stories. Others will want to be your therapist/coach. We all dread those who may judge you harshly, even though your situation may be extreme and may include violence in your family. The truth is, it’s hard to know with some people how they’ll react, but for the most part, you know your family and friends.
The chosen confidants would be people you know are supportive, good listeners, and respectful people. They have to be people you can trust.
The people to avoid are fairly easy to pick: the ones who are usually judgmental, gossipy and/or critical. You know who that is, don’t you?
Because this is information you’re volunteering, you can also pick the time and place in which to share. It should be private – don’t put yourself in a position where people can eavesdrop. And if you find you’re not ready to share yet, don’t do it. This is your information, your pain, and you are not obligated to share anything.
You should be comfortable and ready to share, and that means being prepared for questions. Some people have a lot of questions, others just listen. For those who have questions, consider what kinds of questions they may ask so you’re ready to respond. It’s helpful to provide some resources such as books or websites. This helps demonstrate you’re not alone and gives others additional insights.
If they ask what they can do to help, let them know. Sometimes all you need is someone to talk with, someone to say “I understand” or someone to just say “I’m thinking of you.”
If you’ve been in a difficult family situation and decided to share this with others, what was your experience?
Before you talk with anyone about your situation, consider the reasons for disclosing any information, and that will help you determine what you want to say and which people you can trust, which ones you should avoid.
What would be the reasons to talk about your family situation? One reason for me was that it was more helpful to lead an honest and open life than to keep my pain hidden. I learned that when I shared selective information honestly, I received help and support and kindness through what has been a challenging time. If you live in a small town or have a certain network of friends and family, they may have observed your problems and have been worried about your family.
The most important lesson for me was that I could be honest, protect details of the situation, receive support and learn that I was not alone. That’s a big thing, knowing you’re not alone. It’s helpful no matter what you’re going through in life.
If you decide to talk with others about your family difficulties, be prepared for a wide range of responses. Some people will be sympathetic and share their own stories. Others will want to be your therapist/coach. We all dread those who may judge you harshly, even though your situation may be extreme and may include violence in your family. The truth is, it’s hard to know with some people how they’ll react, but for the most part, you know your family and friends.
The chosen confidants would be people you know are supportive, good listeners, and respectful people. They have to be people you can trust.
The people to avoid are fairly easy to pick: the ones who are usually judgmental, gossipy and/or critical. You know who that is, don’t you?
Because this is information you’re volunteering, you can also pick the time and place in which to share. It should be private – don’t put yourself in a position where people can eavesdrop. And if you find you’re not ready to share yet, don’t do it. This is your information, your pain, and you are not obligated to share anything.
You should be comfortable and ready to share, and that means being prepared for questions. Some people have a lot of questions, others just listen. For those who have questions, consider what kinds of questions they may ask so you’re ready to respond. It’s helpful to provide some resources such as books or websites. This helps demonstrate you’re not alone and gives others additional insights.
If they ask what they can do to help, let them know. Sometimes all you need is someone to talk with, someone to say “I understand” or someone to just say “I’m thinking of you.”
If you’ve been in a difficult family situation and decided to share this with others, what was your experience?
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Holidays are Tough for a Lot of Families Struggling with Strained Relationships
For everyone going through the holiday season without the “normal” family, this one’s for you! This time of year is filled with possible joy and emotional pitfalls.
Many television shows, commercials and many movies celebrate the sentiment of being surrounded by a warm and loving family. We all feel things differently, and for me, the greeting card commercials with all of the images of family and love wound me. I miss our son.
I’ll watch Modern Family or some other show with people and their quirks and love, but intentionally sappy family stuff isn’t what I want to see right now. I want to protect my own emotions.
These shows and commercials shape our view of the way things are or should be, and if our own families aren’t like that, there’s something wrong with us.
I know many people with happy families that are functional, at least for the most part. Then there are all the other people I know: single, widowed or divorced, people with unhappy and strained relationships with family members, and people like me, estranged from their children. There are a lot of people who are alone, hurt, angry, afraid and worried.
Each time I read or hear about some teen or young adult who is in trouble, I think: maybe there is a heartbroken parent at home. I’m not naïve – some families have a history of violence and many repeat those patterns, but I believe that most parents want their kids to be okay in this world. We want them to be educated, have good jobs, form good relationships and make good choices. We want them to be happy and successful.
If you’re fortunate to have an intact family with good relationships, I’m very happy for you! I hope you can extend understanding and sympathy to those who don’t have this. Extend a hand, a shoulder, a tissue to someone who feels emptiness and loss, and withhold your judgment. You rarely know what’s really happening in another person’s home.
For those of us who are just getting through the holidays: hang in there, try to do things you enjoy, visit kind people, volunteer somewhere, get out of your own way and start walking toward accepting the situation and developing hope for the future.
Many people wrote to say that my book has helped them, and there are several ways you can purchase it. You can read more at www.tellmeaboutyourself.info.
If you need personal help, please review the resource page . For personal help, the United Way site links to organizations around the country. If you go to www.211.org, you just insert your zip code and find an agency near you.
Best wishes for a better future for all.
www.tellmeaboutyourself.info
Many television shows, commercials and many movies celebrate the sentiment of being surrounded by a warm and loving family. We all feel things differently, and for me, the greeting card commercials with all of the images of family and love wound me. I miss our son.
I’ll watch Modern Family or some other show with people and their quirks and love, but intentionally sappy family stuff isn’t what I want to see right now. I want to protect my own emotions.
These shows and commercials shape our view of the way things are or should be, and if our own families aren’t like that, there’s something wrong with us.
I know many people with happy families that are functional, at least for the most part. Then there are all the other people I know: single, widowed or divorced, people with unhappy and strained relationships with family members, and people like me, estranged from their children. There are a lot of people who are alone, hurt, angry, afraid and worried.
Each time I read or hear about some teen or young adult who is in trouble, I think: maybe there is a heartbroken parent at home. I’m not naïve – some families have a history of violence and many repeat those patterns, but I believe that most parents want their kids to be okay in this world. We want them to be educated, have good jobs, form good relationships and make good choices. We want them to be happy and successful.
If you’re fortunate to have an intact family with good relationships, I’m very happy for you! I hope you can extend understanding and sympathy to those who don’t have this. Extend a hand, a shoulder, a tissue to someone who feels emptiness and loss, and withhold your judgment. You rarely know what’s really happening in another person’s home.
For those of us who are just getting through the holidays: hang in there, try to do things you enjoy, visit kind people, volunteer somewhere, get out of your own way and start walking toward accepting the situation and developing hope for the future.
Many people wrote to say that my book has helped them, and there are several ways you can purchase it. You can read more at www.tellmeaboutyourself.info.
If you need personal help, please review the resource page . For personal help, the United Way site links to organizations around the country. If you go to www.211.org, you just insert your zip code and find an agency near you.
Best wishes for a better future for all.
www.tellmeaboutyourself.info
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Barbara Blomquist: 24 Years of Estrangement and a Repaired Relationship, Part 2
Barbara Taylor Blomquist is the author of “Insight Into Adoption” and “Randy’s Ride.” In the second of a two-part series, she relays the story of her relationship with her son and their 24 years of being estranged. If you missed Part 1, please click here.
"Back in contact
One day when our son was 40 years old, he emailed me and asked how everyone in the family was. I emailed back saying that it was hard to cover 24 years in one email, but I gave him a brief update and mentioned I’d just had a book published. He emailed back that he wanted to get a copy and I mailed one to him. I didn’t hear back for several weeks, but then I received the message I’d prayed for, but at times thought I’d never receive.
He said he realized in reading “Insight Into Adoption” that he had been loved all along, but his anger was so strong at being given up at birth that he couldn’t see or feel any love. He realized he was normal and all the feelings he had were shared by many adopted youth. He was no longer alone. It was difficult for him to read “Insight Into Adoption” because it brought up so many emotions, but he later said it was instrumental in cementing him back into the family.
A visit home
Shortly after reading the book, he said he wanted to fly home for Mother’s Day. We were apprehensive, of course, but said we’d been waiting years to hear those words. He’d left as a boy and was returning as a man. The three days we spent together were like a Walt Disney movie, no deep conversations, but just a reconnecting of love, and an appreciation for each other as human beings who had all suffered. I felt no blame toward him. He felt no blame toward us. It was what it was, over and done with.
During the next year, he flew home five times. He still flies home several times each year and is in regular, wonderful contact by phone and email. He openly shares his joys and his challenges.
Aftermath and a strong beginning
It’s been eight years since he came home that Mother’s Day. There have been times when his anger has shown itself. We’ve been calm and tried to help him deal with it. Each and every time after a few days, he’s said he overreacted. Perhaps old habits die hard. We always say we understand, and we do. We tell him it’s no big deal. These episodes are getting very rare now.
He has many regrets which we tell him are understandable, but not important now. In taking this journey he became the outstanding, understanding, loving soul that he is now. He reconnected with the innate qualities he had as a little boy when he was sensitive and compassionate.
He has an appreciation for life which many people would envy. They wouldn’t envy his method of achieving it, however. He is similar to people who have come back from a life threatening experience. They never look at life the same way again. Their priorities change and their appreciation and gratitude are enhanced for things they used to take for granted.
Our son has said he would be dead now if it weren’t for us. Somewhere deep down he must have known that we would not only eagerly take him back into the family, but would do so with no questions asked. All we care about is now. He’s mentioned that some of his friends can’t believe we’ve been so loving and accepting after what he put us through. I couldn’t imagine being any other way.
How we’ve all grown
We all are different people after going through this. I think when we “know” we are right about something, we have a tendency to judge others, silently or openly. I no longer do that. When I see a behavior on someone’s part that is distasteful or even abhorrent to me, I immediately think “He’s doing the best he can.” A feeling of sympathy overwhelms me and I want only the best for that person who is obviously suffering. They are being motivated by fear or frustration or a feeling of being lost. I no longer take the position that I am better than that person. Instead, I feel gratitude that our son has taught us not to judge or label people. I’m sure people judged him for his negative behavior. That’s human nature.
We have all found a deeper meaning to life through this. First of all, not ever to judge people, but also to genuinely love people for who they are, warts and all. I know in my heart that our love for our son was a factor in bringing him out of his lifestyle. It took way too many years, but if people knew him years ago, they would know he’d die an early death. He proved them wrong. He dropped out of high school and never could stay in college, but he’s worked hard in his field and is greatly respected for the knowledge he has which he’s learned on his own. He is sought after for his knowledge and paid handsomely for it. He dedicated himself to getting himself out of his messy life. His very bad credit has improved to the point where he is now a homeowner.
His life now is calmer and he takes justified pride and joy in how far he’s come from his previous years. I think we as parents feel even more happiness in this. We know the outcome could very well have been different. I had prepared myself for one day hearing that he had died. At least I thought I had. Now what we are witnessing is a second birth of a beautiful human being who accepts love and gives love.
Bitterness versus understanding
We have several friends who have had problems with troubled sons who have devastated their lives. I’ve heard them say they would never take their sons back after what their sons did to them. My heart goes out to these families because they will never know the ongoing joy of knowing the power of parental love. They express anger and resentment and are living daily with that. I did for some time until I realized that stance was hurting all of us.
Even if reconciliation never occurs, an attitude of forgiving and understanding love enhances your own life and allows bitterness to be non-existent.
We couldn’t be more grateful and prouder of the person our son has discovered he is – and was all along."
"Back in contact
One day when our son was 40 years old, he emailed me and asked how everyone in the family was. I emailed back saying that it was hard to cover 24 years in one email, but I gave him a brief update and mentioned I’d just had a book published. He emailed back that he wanted to get a copy and I mailed one to him. I didn’t hear back for several weeks, but then I received the message I’d prayed for, but at times thought I’d never receive.
He said he realized in reading “Insight Into Adoption” that he had been loved all along, but his anger was so strong at being given up at birth that he couldn’t see or feel any love. He realized he was normal and all the feelings he had were shared by many adopted youth. He was no longer alone. It was difficult for him to read “Insight Into Adoption” because it brought up so many emotions, but he later said it was instrumental in cementing him back into the family.
A visit home
Shortly after reading the book, he said he wanted to fly home for Mother’s Day. We were apprehensive, of course, but said we’d been waiting years to hear those words. He’d left as a boy and was returning as a man. The three days we spent together were like a Walt Disney movie, no deep conversations, but just a reconnecting of love, and an appreciation for each other as human beings who had all suffered. I felt no blame toward him. He felt no blame toward us. It was what it was, over and done with.
During the next year, he flew home five times. He still flies home several times each year and is in regular, wonderful contact by phone and email. He openly shares his joys and his challenges.
Aftermath and a strong beginning
It’s been eight years since he came home that Mother’s Day. There have been times when his anger has shown itself. We’ve been calm and tried to help him deal with it. Each and every time after a few days, he’s said he overreacted. Perhaps old habits die hard. We always say we understand, and we do. We tell him it’s no big deal. These episodes are getting very rare now.
He has many regrets which we tell him are understandable, but not important now. In taking this journey he became the outstanding, understanding, loving soul that he is now. He reconnected with the innate qualities he had as a little boy when he was sensitive and compassionate.
He has an appreciation for life which many people would envy. They wouldn’t envy his method of achieving it, however. He is similar to people who have come back from a life threatening experience. They never look at life the same way again. Their priorities change and their appreciation and gratitude are enhanced for things they used to take for granted.
Our son has said he would be dead now if it weren’t for us. Somewhere deep down he must have known that we would not only eagerly take him back into the family, but would do so with no questions asked. All we care about is now. He’s mentioned that some of his friends can’t believe we’ve been so loving and accepting after what he put us through. I couldn’t imagine being any other way.
How we’ve all grown
We all are different people after going through this. I think when we “know” we are right about something, we have a tendency to judge others, silently or openly. I no longer do that. When I see a behavior on someone’s part that is distasteful or even abhorrent to me, I immediately think “He’s doing the best he can.” A feeling of sympathy overwhelms me and I want only the best for that person who is obviously suffering. They are being motivated by fear or frustration or a feeling of being lost. I no longer take the position that I am better than that person. Instead, I feel gratitude that our son has taught us not to judge or label people. I’m sure people judged him for his negative behavior. That’s human nature.
We have all found a deeper meaning to life through this. First of all, not ever to judge people, but also to genuinely love people for who they are, warts and all. I know in my heart that our love for our son was a factor in bringing him out of his lifestyle. It took way too many years, but if people knew him years ago, they would know he’d die an early death. He proved them wrong. He dropped out of high school and never could stay in college, but he’s worked hard in his field and is greatly respected for the knowledge he has which he’s learned on his own. He is sought after for his knowledge and paid handsomely for it. He dedicated himself to getting himself out of his messy life. His very bad credit has improved to the point where he is now a homeowner.
His life now is calmer and he takes justified pride and joy in how far he’s come from his previous years. I think we as parents feel even more happiness in this. We know the outcome could very well have been different. I had prepared myself for one day hearing that he had died. At least I thought I had. Now what we are witnessing is a second birth of a beautiful human being who accepts love and gives love.
Bitterness versus understanding
We have several friends who have had problems with troubled sons who have devastated their lives. I’ve heard them say they would never take their sons back after what their sons did to them. My heart goes out to these families because they will never know the ongoing joy of knowing the power of parental love. They express anger and resentment and are living daily with that. I did for some time until I realized that stance was hurting all of us.
Even if reconciliation never occurs, an attitude of forgiving and understanding love enhances your own life and allows bitterness to be non-existent.
We couldn’t be more grateful and prouder of the person our son has discovered he is – and was all along."
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Barbara Blomquist: 24 Years of Estrangement and a Repaired Relationship, Part 1
Barbara Taylor Blomquist is the author of “Insight Into Adoption” and “Randy’s Ride.” In the first of a two-part series, she relays the story of her relationship with her son and their 24 years of being estranged.
"Background of a failed/revived relationship
Our strained relations with our son erupted 32 years ago when he left home at age 16. We were devastated. We felt helpless. He had been into drugs for over a year and that put him on a downward path which only got steeper and steeper. He was doing all of the typical things drug addicts do at that age: lie, steal, cut school and more.
I won’t go into details of his life for the next 24 years (he came back to us after that time) because I don’t know a lot of the details. He called us every 6 or 8 months and gave us a phone number where he could be reached, but when we called it, it was always out of service. From the time he was age 33 to 40 we didn’t know if he was dead or alive. We had no contact at all.
Process of emotions
During this estranged period – a good many years – I had a lot of time to go through every emotion imaginable. First fear for his life, he was only 16. Then anger that he betrayed all we’d done for him. Then frustration that we couldn’t contact him to try to work things out. Then feeling heart sick at the thought he was throwing his life away. My thoughts were of him constantly. I remember vividly one Sunday afternoon when I was involved in a project for a community cause. I realized at 5:00 o’clock that I had gone 4 hours without thinking of him. This was a first in years. The worst times were waking up in the middle of the night wondering where he was, was he scared, was he in jail, was he cold or hungry, penniless, homeless. I found out later after we reconnected that at some point during all those years, he was indeed, all of those things.
We went on a journey through these years as did our son. Eventually, we ended up in the same place, together again.
Pervasiveness of unhappy years
I found that when my thoughts were of anger and resentment I felt very bitter. I resented my friends’ happy existence with their children. I’d see boys on the street that resembled our son and my heart would sink. I could never be completely happy. The thought of the trouble he might be in was always there to take away any joy that would come into my life. This went on for years and years. There’s a saying that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. That was true for me.
I knew our son felt he didn’t belong to our family because he was adopted. Even though he was deeply loved, he didn’t love himself so couldn’t believe that we could love him. In his mind, his birth mother had given him away and he internalized this to the degree that he thought no one else could or would love him. He set about to prove to the world that he was indeed, a worthless throw-away person.
Survival tactics
After a time, I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t help him because we didn’t know where he was, but I had to help myself. We had other children who were being short changed by my attitude. My husband understood, but he could go off to work and get his mind on other things. After all, we had other happy, successful children.
In order to help myself survive, I came to the position that I had to think only positive thoughts about him. He had been a delightful little boy and I kept thinking of those years where his good qualities showed. I made myself believe that the goodness was still there, it was only temporarily covered up by bad behavior. All the loving qualities we had instilled in him must still be there. After a time that became easy to believe. I would send positive messages and affirmations out into space believing that somehow they would help him. They helped me.
I also in time came to see that his leaving our family was not done to hurt us, even though it hurt us to an extent I didn’t ever believe possible. He was the one who was hurting. He left, hoping to find a place in the world where his hurt would go away. Of course, it didn’t.
My last position was that he was doing the best he knew how to do. It was a terrible way for him to handle his life, but I came to see that he was hurting so much that he did a desperate thing in leaving and going out on his own at age 16. A feeling of sympathy took over my being. I could look at him in a loving way knowing that if he were ever to return I would welcome him wholeheartedly because I knew he’d been on a journey of self-realization. He, and only he, could do this. We couldn’t help him.
Survival therapy
During these years I started leading support groups for adoptive parents who were dealing with troubled children. I saw clearly that the core issue for our son and for all these troubled families was that the child didn’t know who he was. He felt he didn’t belong to his adoptive family, but he didn’t know where he did belong. He felt alone and lost.
The parents in the groups encouraged me to write about adoptive parenting issues because we discussed principles none of us knew about years ago when we adopted our babies. The book, “Insight Into Adoption”, was the result. I incorporated our own experience as well as the experiences of many families, and the invaluable experiences of adoptees who are now adults. They shed so much light on how they felt as children. Out of this came solid advice and insight for adoptive families. I wrote it hoping and praying I could save some families from going through what we were going through."
To be continued...
"Background of a failed/revived relationship
Our strained relations with our son erupted 32 years ago when he left home at age 16. We were devastated. We felt helpless. He had been into drugs for over a year and that put him on a downward path which only got steeper and steeper. He was doing all of the typical things drug addicts do at that age: lie, steal, cut school and more.
I won’t go into details of his life for the next 24 years (he came back to us after that time) because I don’t know a lot of the details. He called us every 6 or 8 months and gave us a phone number where he could be reached, but when we called it, it was always out of service. From the time he was age 33 to 40 we didn’t know if he was dead or alive. We had no contact at all.
Process of emotions
During this estranged period – a good many years – I had a lot of time to go through every emotion imaginable. First fear for his life, he was only 16. Then anger that he betrayed all we’d done for him. Then frustration that we couldn’t contact him to try to work things out. Then feeling heart sick at the thought he was throwing his life away. My thoughts were of him constantly. I remember vividly one Sunday afternoon when I was involved in a project for a community cause. I realized at 5:00 o’clock that I had gone 4 hours without thinking of him. This was a first in years. The worst times were waking up in the middle of the night wondering where he was, was he scared, was he in jail, was he cold or hungry, penniless, homeless. I found out later after we reconnected that at some point during all those years, he was indeed, all of those things.
We went on a journey through these years as did our son. Eventually, we ended up in the same place, together again.
Pervasiveness of unhappy years
I found that when my thoughts were of anger and resentment I felt very bitter. I resented my friends’ happy existence with their children. I’d see boys on the street that resembled our son and my heart would sink. I could never be completely happy. The thought of the trouble he might be in was always there to take away any joy that would come into my life. This went on for years and years. There’s a saying that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. That was true for me.
I knew our son felt he didn’t belong to our family because he was adopted. Even though he was deeply loved, he didn’t love himself so couldn’t believe that we could love him. In his mind, his birth mother had given him away and he internalized this to the degree that he thought no one else could or would love him. He set about to prove to the world that he was indeed, a worthless throw-away person.
Survival tactics
After a time, I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t help him because we didn’t know where he was, but I had to help myself. We had other children who were being short changed by my attitude. My husband understood, but he could go off to work and get his mind on other things. After all, we had other happy, successful children.
In order to help myself survive, I came to the position that I had to think only positive thoughts about him. He had been a delightful little boy and I kept thinking of those years where his good qualities showed. I made myself believe that the goodness was still there, it was only temporarily covered up by bad behavior. All the loving qualities we had instilled in him must still be there. After a time that became easy to believe. I would send positive messages and affirmations out into space believing that somehow they would help him. They helped me.
I also in time came to see that his leaving our family was not done to hurt us, even though it hurt us to an extent I didn’t ever believe possible. He was the one who was hurting. He left, hoping to find a place in the world where his hurt would go away. Of course, it didn’t.
My last position was that he was doing the best he knew how to do. It was a terrible way for him to handle his life, but I came to see that he was hurting so much that he did a desperate thing in leaving and going out on his own at age 16. A feeling of sympathy took over my being. I could look at him in a loving way knowing that if he were ever to return I would welcome him wholeheartedly because I knew he’d been on a journey of self-realization. He, and only he, could do this. We couldn’t help him.
Survival therapy
During these years I started leading support groups for adoptive parents who were dealing with troubled children. I saw clearly that the core issue for our son and for all these troubled families was that the child didn’t know who he was. He felt he didn’t belong to his adoptive family, but he didn’t know where he did belong. He felt alone and lost.
The parents in the groups encouraged me to write about adoptive parenting issues because we discussed principles none of us knew about years ago when we adopted our babies. The book, “Insight Into Adoption”, was the result. I incorporated our own experience as well as the experiences of many families, and the invaluable experiences of adoptees who are now adults. They shed so much light on how they felt as children. Out of this came solid advice and insight for adoptive families. I wrote it hoping and praying I could save some families from going through what we were going through."
To be continued...
Friday, May 7, 2010
When You’re Not Looking Forward to Mother’s Day
I’m one of those who would like to skip Mother’s Day. It’s not because I’m opposed to it: it is due to my life circumstances.
Mama died in 1973. I have a wonderful mother figure in my dear Aunt Polly, and she has served in that role for many of her nieces and nephews who have lost their parents.
I am fortunate to have a terrific mother-in-law, and I call her “Mom”. She’s been such a wonderful addition in my life, so warm and caring. She welcomed my son and me into her life with open arms, has taken care of us when we needed help and has been a wonderful friend to me. I know how lucky I am.
Then there is the most important part of Mother’s Day for me, my own role as a mom. As my son and I are not on speaking terms at this time, and this brings me the most pain of all of my losses. There is no describing the love I have for him, the worry and the loss I feel.
It is my dearest hope that we will reconcile in the near future. I’ve opened my heart, opened my arms, and have invited him to talk with me. The next step is his.
Until then, I think I’ll do what I’ve done for the past few years: honor my mom, aunt and mother-in-law, hope the day passes quickly and that next year will be different with my son.
You’re welcome to share your thoughts and experiences.
Mama died in 1973. I have a wonderful mother figure in my dear Aunt Polly, and she has served in that role for many of her nieces and nephews who have lost their parents.
I am fortunate to have a terrific mother-in-law, and I call her “Mom”. She’s been such a wonderful addition in my life, so warm and caring. She welcomed my son and me into her life with open arms, has taken care of us when we needed help and has been a wonderful friend to me. I know how lucky I am.
Then there is the most important part of Mother’s Day for me, my own role as a mom. As my son and I are not on speaking terms at this time, and this brings me the most pain of all of my losses. There is no describing the love I have for him, the worry and the loss I feel.
It is my dearest hope that we will reconcile in the near future. I’ve opened my heart, opened my arms, and have invited him to talk with me. The next step is his.
Until then, I think I’ll do what I’ve done for the past few years: honor my mom, aunt and mother-in-law, hope the day passes quickly and that next year will be different with my son.
You’re welcome to share your thoughts and experiences.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Difficult Kids: Sometimes it’s the Parents’ Fault
I’ve written before about consistency in parenting, and I was thinking about that when talking with another woman.
This woman and her husband divorced several years ago and the kids are now teenagers. Both of the kids are wild: running around with a bad crowd, drinking, smoking, doing drugs, mouthing off to the parents and disrespectful toward authority figures at home and at school. Both are on the verge of failing school, and the mother does not know what to do next.
She is going to counseling to find out how to deal with them in more effective ways, but the kids’ dad will not go. He’s part of the problem as there are no rules at his house. He wants to be a friend, doesn’t want to challenge them in any way as he says he’s fearful of losing contact and he’s not involving himself as a parent.
Kids need consistency. It’s not easy for both parents to always be on the same page, even when they’re in the same house, and it’s so much harder when the parents live apart. It’s easy to overlook bad behavior just because you want to see your child. It’s hard to punish the child at your house for something serious she or he did at the other parent’s home. But is has to be done.
A good system of rewards and punishment can help a lot, and there are many books on the topic.
As hard as it may be to come to agreement with your former spouse, you have to try and try again. Some people can come to agreement and others never will. The kids pay the price if you don’t.
Please see my resource list.
This woman and her husband divorced several years ago and the kids are now teenagers. Both of the kids are wild: running around with a bad crowd, drinking, smoking, doing drugs, mouthing off to the parents and disrespectful toward authority figures at home and at school. Both are on the verge of failing school, and the mother does not know what to do next.
She is going to counseling to find out how to deal with them in more effective ways, but the kids’ dad will not go. He’s part of the problem as there are no rules at his house. He wants to be a friend, doesn’t want to challenge them in any way as he says he’s fearful of losing contact and he’s not involving himself as a parent.
Kids need consistency. It’s not easy for both parents to always be on the same page, even when they’re in the same house, and it’s so much harder when the parents live apart. It’s easy to overlook bad behavior just because you want to see your child. It’s hard to punish the child at your house for something serious she or he did at the other parent’s home. But is has to be done.
A good system of rewards and punishment can help a lot, and there are many books on the topic.
As hard as it may be to come to agreement with your former spouse, you have to try and try again. Some people can come to agreement and others never will. The kids pay the price if you don’t.
Please see my resource list.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Barry Bonds' Son & Restraining Order
An article in the local paper caught my eye a month ago. Nikolai Bonds, Barry Bonds’ 20-year-old son, “was booked on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, vandalism and other crimes at the home of his mother, Sun Bonds.” During their argument, he allegedly threw a door knob at his mother and caused around $400 worth of damages. He also allegedly spit in her face, blocked her from leaving, and threatened an officer. He was released after posting $50,000 bail.
The court granted a restraining order, barring him from contacting his mother or coming within 100 yards of her.
I can’t imagine what was going on in that household that precipitated all of this, but if it all happened as charged, it must have been pretty scary. It’s got to be horrible to have to get a restraining order against your own child, but sometimes you have to protect yourself against your child.
The court granted a restraining order, barring him from contacting his mother or coming within 100 yards of her.
I can’t imagine what was going on in that household that precipitated all of this, but if it all happened as charged, it must have been pretty scary. It’s got to be horrible to have to get a restraining order against your own child, but sometimes you have to protect yourself against your child.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Teen in Trouble Calls After Bust
It was his usual Saturday night: hanging out with friends, going out to eat, going somewhere and getting stoned. His parents knew all about this routine but felt helpless to stop it. They’d tell their son they disapproved and worried about him, but nothing seemed to register.
And then came the call.
The 17-year-old and his friend were being rowdy in a store, and as they were leaving, the friend took a bottle of liquor. They didn’t get far. The security guard held them till the police came, and the security system confirmed what happened.
Now the parents are waiting to hear their son’s fate. At a time when they’d love to enjoy family time at the holidays, they’re unsure of what will happen. Maybe he’ll have to attend a drug counseling program, maybe he’ll be in jail. Their state is no lenient with kids in trouble, so there are a lot of possible penalities to consider.
Where’d they go wrong as parents? What’ll happen to their son? Will he have a record? Will he learn from this experience? These are all questions that have been swirling around this couple. Please hold them in your thoughts, and if you’ve had a similar experience and can share some insights, please post a response.
And then came the call.
The 17-year-old and his friend were being rowdy in a store, and as they were leaving, the friend took a bottle of liquor. They didn’t get far. The security guard held them till the police came, and the security system confirmed what happened.
Now the parents are waiting to hear their son’s fate. At a time when they’d love to enjoy family time at the holidays, they’re unsure of what will happen. Maybe he’ll have to attend a drug counseling program, maybe he’ll be in jail. Their state is no lenient with kids in trouble, so there are a lot of possible penalities to consider.
Where’d they go wrong as parents? What’ll happen to their son? Will he have a record? Will he learn from this experience? These are all questions that have been swirling around this couple. Please hold them in your thoughts, and if you’ve had a similar experience and can share some insights, please post a response.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Parents and Common Frustrations
It's so frustrating, isn't it? We are decent human beings, we have children because we want them, we do the best that we can do for them, and some of them, well...
People are born with personalities and inclinations. When a person is inclined to misbehave, sometimes get into very serious trouble, they'll have to fight a lot of internal demons to stop themselves. Some can do it, some can't. Some mature and grow out of it, some don't.
Criminals had parents, too. Sometimes the parents were terrible and sometimes they were parents who did their best. It's a boat we're in as parents: you teach them good values and morals, you talk about society and the law, you coach them and try to get it through their heads they are harming themselves and sometimes others. And then it's their decision to do whatever it is they're doing.
I saw a news story about a woman whose kids had harmed another, and she was crying and apologizing. She was devastated to know that her kids were capable of seriously hurting another person. Her own family was torn apart in a public manner. I wonder if there were some troubles at home, too. Displays of anger, drug use, whatever it was. Or were the kids very good at hiding what they were really like? Were the parents in denial? Did they feel they had no control over the situation? Were they seeking help, reading whatever they could, asking friends, family, counselors?
It makes me crazy when a teen or young adult does something inappropriate or illegal and some people ask, "Where are the parents?" The truth is that by the time they reach these ages, you have to hope that they do know better as they're out of your sight/control for most of their waking hours.
What are your thoughts?
People are born with personalities and inclinations. When a person is inclined to misbehave, sometimes get into very serious trouble, they'll have to fight a lot of internal demons to stop themselves. Some can do it, some can't. Some mature and grow out of it, some don't.
Criminals had parents, too. Sometimes the parents were terrible and sometimes they were parents who did their best. It's a boat we're in as parents: you teach them good values and morals, you talk about society and the law, you coach them and try to get it through their heads they are harming themselves and sometimes others. And then it's their decision to do whatever it is they're doing.
I saw a news story about a woman whose kids had harmed another, and she was crying and apologizing. She was devastated to know that her kids were capable of seriously hurting another person. Her own family was torn apart in a public manner. I wonder if there were some troubles at home, too. Displays of anger, drug use, whatever it was. Or were the kids very good at hiding what they were really like? Were the parents in denial? Did they feel they had no control over the situation? Were they seeking help, reading whatever they could, asking friends, family, counselors?
It makes me crazy when a teen or young adult does something inappropriate or illegal and some people ask, "Where are the parents?" The truth is that by the time they reach these ages, you have to hope that they do know better as they're out of your sight/control for most of their waking hours.
What are your thoughts?
Monday, December 7, 2009
Still Working on that Broken Heart
I write about family issues because it also helps me. Yes, it can be very therapeutic to know you’re not the only one with family difficulties, to review what you did, what you wish you did, and learn from the process.
Thanksgiving was always a family holiday for us as it is for many people. Some people dread the squabbles that will erupt, but we didn’t have that problem. Our son loves a good meal so that part wasn’t an issue, either.
For the past 2 ½ years, we’ve been estranged from our son. I don’t want to go into the details, it’s enough to say we have no contact and I don’t see it changing anytime soon. It’s painful and lonely, and there’s no substitute for having him in our lives, but we try to cope with the matter. It’s hard to accept.
I hear how he’s doing and know in general what’s happening in his life and it pains me to say that I don’t see much personal growth on his part. I hope that will happen in the future, but it clearly isn’t there now.
This Thanksgiving was spent with extended family as we’ve done before. And as in those other times, my son will be hovering in my mind rather than sitting nearby. I enjoy the time with family while missing him like crazy and worrying about him as always.
Thanksgiving was always a family holiday for us as it is for many people. Some people dread the squabbles that will erupt, but we didn’t have that problem. Our son loves a good meal so that part wasn’t an issue, either.
For the past 2 ½ years, we’ve been estranged from our son. I don’t want to go into the details, it’s enough to say we have no contact and I don’t see it changing anytime soon. It’s painful and lonely, and there’s no substitute for having him in our lives, but we try to cope with the matter. It’s hard to accept.
I hear how he’s doing and know in general what’s happening in his life and it pains me to say that I don’t see much personal growth on his part. I hope that will happen in the future, but it clearly isn’t there now.
This Thanksgiving was spent with extended family as we’ve done before. And as in those other times, my son will be hovering in my mind rather than sitting nearby. I enjoy the time with family while missing him like crazy and worrying about him as always.
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