Our guest blogger today is Fern Weis, and she provides tips and some insight into her own family. She is a certified coach, middle school teacher, wife, and parent of two wonderful young adults. She specializes in supporting and educating parents of teens and young adults through individual and group coaching, as well as educational workshops. Fern continues to volunteer as a facilitator of family weekends at Hyde School. She is committed to strengthening American families, one family at a time. Learn more about her work at www.familymatterscoach.com. You can also contact her at fgweis@gmail.com. And now...here's Fern.
In a recent blog post, Marcia Stein posed some serious questions about the downward spiral of Charlie Sheen. She also asked readers to share their own experiences. I am pleased to be able to share part of my life with you and what I learned along the way.
In our family, it was our son spiraling into a pit as a teen (and taking us down there with him). What was so painful was that somewhere in this out-of-control teen was a kind and loving person who didn’t know how to come back to us. When he was having a good day, we would hope against hope that this was a sign he was turning around. We were not facing reality. When we could no longer deny it, and accepted what was happening and that we had no control, we pulled him out of high school. First step, a one-month wilderness program to separate him from his community and from us. Second step, two years at an amazing boarding school called Hyde School, a program of family-based character development.
The deciding factor in choosing Hyde was the intensive parent program. While we considered ourselves good people, and understood that he made dangerous choices, we knew that we needed to change, too. We couldn't ask the school to 'fix' him, and then have him come home to the same parents. We had to do things differently, see ourselves differently.
I learned that I taught my children so much about how to see themselves and life, not only by my words, but by my actions, reactions and responses to people and events in my life. It's frightening how much our children learn from us that we are not aware of.
I learned that you cannot stand by. It hurts to take difficult steps, but it hurts more to watch your child self-destruct. Change is hard, but not changing takes you in the opposite direction of where you want to go. So…
1) Do the hard thing. Don't worry about your 'relationship' with your child. He has lots of friends, but only one set of parents to teach him how to get through life. Children need us to set limits. They don’t have the self-control to do it for themselves. If you don’t do it, who will? Whether it’s saying ‘no’, or having a serious intervention, do it!
2) Understand that parenting is more about YOU than your children. Step up! You know all those qualities you want to see in your children? You want them to be truthful, persistent, courageous, compassionate, generous, thoughtful, curious and optimistic. Make sure you are the best role model you can be (for your own benefit, as well as theirs). Have you given up on a dream? Have you ever been less than honest? Do you tell them to be more assertive, and then avoid saying what you need to say to others? Do you expect more from them than you do from yourself?
As they get older, you have decreasing control over the choices your children make, the actions they take. They are counting on you (even though they will deny it) to show them how it's done, and to be their guide.
3) Ask others for their insights about you (this includes your kids). I can sense some of you mentally walking away from this one. But we are often the last ones to see our own inconsistencies. It’s the inconsistencies that prevent us from moving from struggle to confidence. The mixed messages make parenting, decision-making and personal growth more difficult.
Ask the people who love you most (spouse/partner, kids, trusted friends and family) for their input. You don’t want them to sugarcoat it, and you don’t want them to be cruel, either. You are looking for helpful feedback so you can be a great example for your children and enjoy life more.
3) Listen, listen, listen! Your kids want to be heard. It doesn't matter whether you agree with them or not. Listen and become the trusted adult they turn to when there's something really important to talk about. This is not the time for judgment, criticism, or fixing it for them. After they have vented is the time to help them with coping and problem-solving strategies.
4) Be a teacher, guide and mentor… but don’t be ‘the fixer’. Too many young people are not prepared to launch themselves into independence. When we give them the answers and solve problems for them, they are not learning the skills.
Step back. Guide and teach without doing it for them. And if you are not always the right person to teach the skill or lesson, you have options. Ask for help in being a better teacher. Consider who might be more effective in helping your child work through challenges. There is no shame. It really does take a community to raise children.
5) Share your struggles with your children. What was challenging for you growing up? What did you fail at? How did you deal with it? Our kids see us as adults who mostly seem to be in control and know what we’re doing. As confused, hormone-ridden teens, they can’t imagine being competent and self-assured. They need to know that it does get better, that we were once like them and we, mostly, successfully muddled our way through, too.
You already know how important this job is. And while you weren’t given a user manual for your children, it doesn’t always have to be difficult. Learn when to step in and when to step aside. Listen as least as much as you speak, if not more. Ask for help when you need it. Inspire your children by sharing your own difficult experiences. Your children need this from you, now.
P.S. My son graduated high school and college, and is employed in his chosen profession. The child we thought we had lost is a motivated and generous young man who gives me bear hugs, tells me about his work day, and dances me around the kitchen. His sister, who prefers not to be highlighted in my writing, is an amazing young woman and daughter, and friend to all who know her. Life is good.
Showing posts with label worried parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worried parents. Show all posts
Monday, March 21, 2011
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Holidays are Tough for a Lot of Families Struggling with Strained Relationships
For everyone going through the holiday season without the “normal” family, this one’s for you! This time of year is filled with possible joy and emotional pitfalls.
Many television shows, commercials and many movies celebrate the sentiment of being surrounded by a warm and loving family. We all feel things differently, and for me, the greeting card commercials with all of the images of family and love wound me. I miss our son.
I’ll watch Modern Family or some other show with people and their quirks and love, but intentionally sappy family stuff isn’t what I want to see right now. I want to protect my own emotions.
These shows and commercials shape our view of the way things are or should be, and if our own families aren’t like that, there’s something wrong with us.
I know many people with happy families that are functional, at least for the most part. Then there are all the other people I know: single, widowed or divorced, people with unhappy and strained relationships with family members, and people like me, estranged from their children. There are a lot of people who are alone, hurt, angry, afraid and worried.
Each time I read or hear about some teen or young adult who is in trouble, I think: maybe there is a heartbroken parent at home. I’m not naïve – some families have a history of violence and many repeat those patterns, but I believe that most parents want their kids to be okay in this world. We want them to be educated, have good jobs, form good relationships and make good choices. We want them to be happy and successful.
If you’re fortunate to have an intact family with good relationships, I’m very happy for you! I hope you can extend understanding and sympathy to those who don’t have this. Extend a hand, a shoulder, a tissue to someone who feels emptiness and loss, and withhold your judgment. You rarely know what’s really happening in another person’s home.
For those of us who are just getting through the holidays: hang in there, try to do things you enjoy, visit kind people, volunteer somewhere, get out of your own way and start walking toward accepting the situation and developing hope for the future.
Many people wrote to say that my book has helped them, and there are several ways you can purchase it. You can read more at www.tellmeaboutyourself.info.
If you need personal help, please review the resource page . For personal help, the United Way site links to organizations around the country. If you go to www.211.org, you just insert your zip code and find an agency near you.
Best wishes for a better future for all.
www.tellmeaboutyourself.info
Many television shows, commercials and many movies celebrate the sentiment of being surrounded by a warm and loving family. We all feel things differently, and for me, the greeting card commercials with all of the images of family and love wound me. I miss our son.
I’ll watch Modern Family or some other show with people and their quirks and love, but intentionally sappy family stuff isn’t what I want to see right now. I want to protect my own emotions.
These shows and commercials shape our view of the way things are or should be, and if our own families aren’t like that, there’s something wrong with us.
I know many people with happy families that are functional, at least for the most part. Then there are all the other people I know: single, widowed or divorced, people with unhappy and strained relationships with family members, and people like me, estranged from their children. There are a lot of people who are alone, hurt, angry, afraid and worried.
Each time I read or hear about some teen or young adult who is in trouble, I think: maybe there is a heartbroken parent at home. I’m not naïve – some families have a history of violence and many repeat those patterns, but I believe that most parents want their kids to be okay in this world. We want them to be educated, have good jobs, form good relationships and make good choices. We want them to be happy and successful.
If you’re fortunate to have an intact family with good relationships, I’m very happy for you! I hope you can extend understanding and sympathy to those who don’t have this. Extend a hand, a shoulder, a tissue to someone who feels emptiness and loss, and withhold your judgment. You rarely know what’s really happening in another person’s home.
For those of us who are just getting through the holidays: hang in there, try to do things you enjoy, visit kind people, volunteer somewhere, get out of your own way and start walking toward accepting the situation and developing hope for the future.
Many people wrote to say that my book has helped them, and there are several ways you can purchase it. You can read more at www.tellmeaboutyourself.info.
If you need personal help, please review the resource page . For personal help, the United Way site links to organizations around the country. If you go to www.211.org, you just insert your zip code and find an agency near you.
Best wishes for a better future for all.
www.tellmeaboutyourself.info
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
What is truancy and what are the penalties?
How do the schools define truancy and what are the penalties? A link on the California Department of Education site provides a thorough explanation. http://www.cde.ca.gov/ls/ai/tr/ I’ll provide summaries and quotes, and you can go to the site for additional information. I was surprised to learn all of the ramifications and penalties for truancy.
Definition of a Truant
If your child misses more than 30 minutes of instruction without an excuse three times during the school year he/she must be classified as a truant and reported to the proper school authority.
First Notification Mandate
In addition to the reporting requirement, the school district must notify the parent or guardian by first-class mail or other reasonable means, and must include specific information related to the unexcused absences and notes that the parent or guardian must require the child to attend school. The parent or guardian has the right to meet with school personnel to discuss the issue.
Pupils may be subject to prosecution, suspension, restriction, or delay of the pupil's driving privilege. It is also recommended the parent or guardian accompany the pupil to school and attend classes with the pupil for one day.
Habitual Truant Mandate
According to the law, once “a student has been reported as a truant three or more times in one school year and after an appropriate school employee has made a conscientious effort to hold at least one meeting with the parent and the student, the student is deemed a habitual truant. The intent is to provide solutions for students who failed to respond to the normal avenues of school intervention.”
Interventions
If your child “… is a habitual truant, or is irregular in attendance at school, or is habitually insubordinate or disorderly during school, the student may be referred to a school attendance review board (SARB) or to the county probation department…. The student may also be referred to a probation officer or district attorney mediation program…. The intent of these laws is to provide intensive guidance to meet the special needs of students with school attendance problems or school behavior problems…. These interventions are designed to divert students with serious attendance and behavioral problems from the juvenile justice system and to reduce the number of students who drop out of school.”
Penalties (Student)
“The law provides schools and school districts with discretion regarding student penalties for truancy as long as they are consistent with state law. The penalties for truancy for students … become progressively severe from the first the time a truancy report is required through the fourth time a truancy report is required.”
The first time a student is truant, a written warning may be issued by a peace officer. A record of the warning may be kept at the school for a minimum of 2 years or until the student graduates or transfers from that school. If the student transfers, the record may be forwarded to the new school or any school receiving the school records. A record may be kept by the law enforcement agency.
The second time a truancy report is required within the same school year, the school may assign the student to an after school or weekend study program located within the same county as the pupil's school.
“The third time a truancy report is required within the same school year, the student is classified a habitual truant and may be referred to and required to attend, an attendance review board or a truancy mediation program.”
If truancy is reported a fourth time within the same school year, the student is then within the jurisdiction of the juvenile court and they may determine the pupil to be a ward of the court.
If your child becomes a ward of the juvenile court, he or she will be required to do one or more of the following:
“(1) Performance at court-approved community services sponsored by either a public or private nonprofit agency for not less than 20 hours but not more than 40 hours over a period not to exceed 90 days, during a time other than the pupil's hours of school attendance or employment. The probation officer shall report to the court the failure to comply with this paragraph.
(2) Payment of a fine by the pupil of not more than one hundred dollars ($100) for which a parent or guardian of the pupil may be jointly liable.
(3) Attendance of a court-approved truancy prevention program.
(4) Suspension or revocation of driving privileges pursuant to Section 13202.7 of the Vehicle Code. This subdivision shall apply only to a pupil who has attended a school attendance review board program, or a truancy mediation program pursuant to subdivision (c).”
Penalties (Parent)
"Penalties against parents apply when any parent, guardian, or other person having control or charge of any student fails to compel the student to attend school.” Penalties are:
“ (1) Upon a first conviction, by a fine of not more than one hundred dollars ($100).
(2) Upon a second conviction, by a fine of not more than two hundred fifty dollars ($250).
(3) Upon a third or subsequent conviction, if the person has willfully refused to comply with this section, by a fine of not more than five hundred dollars ($500). In lieu of the fines prescribed in paragraphs (1), (2), and (3), the court may order the person to be placed in a parent education and counseling program.”
“… A judgment granting a defendant time to pay the fine or prescribing the days of attendance in a program shall order that if the defendant fails to pay the fine, or any installment thereof, on the date it is due, he or she shall appear in court on that date for further proceedings. Willful violation of this order is punishable as contempt.” In this case, you may be charged a fine of up to $1,000. If you are in contempt under the law, you may be imprisoned.
Definition of a Truant
If your child misses more than 30 minutes of instruction without an excuse three times during the school year he/she must be classified as a truant and reported to the proper school authority.
First Notification Mandate
In addition to the reporting requirement, the school district must notify the parent or guardian by first-class mail or other reasonable means, and must include specific information related to the unexcused absences and notes that the parent or guardian must require the child to attend school. The parent or guardian has the right to meet with school personnel to discuss the issue.
Pupils may be subject to prosecution, suspension, restriction, or delay of the pupil's driving privilege. It is also recommended the parent or guardian accompany the pupil to school and attend classes with the pupil for one day.
Habitual Truant Mandate
According to the law, once “a student has been reported as a truant three or more times in one school year and after an appropriate school employee has made a conscientious effort to hold at least one meeting with the parent and the student, the student is deemed a habitual truant. The intent is to provide solutions for students who failed to respond to the normal avenues of school intervention.”
Interventions
If your child “… is a habitual truant, or is irregular in attendance at school, or is habitually insubordinate or disorderly during school, the student may be referred to a school attendance review board (SARB) or to the county probation department…. The student may also be referred to a probation officer or district attorney mediation program…. The intent of these laws is to provide intensive guidance to meet the special needs of students with school attendance problems or school behavior problems…. These interventions are designed to divert students with serious attendance and behavioral problems from the juvenile justice system and to reduce the number of students who drop out of school.”
Penalties (Student)
“The law provides schools and school districts with discretion regarding student penalties for truancy as long as they are consistent with state law. The penalties for truancy for students … become progressively severe from the first the time a truancy report is required through the fourth time a truancy report is required.”
The first time a student is truant, a written warning may be issued by a peace officer. A record of the warning may be kept at the school for a minimum of 2 years or until the student graduates or transfers from that school. If the student transfers, the record may be forwarded to the new school or any school receiving the school records. A record may be kept by the law enforcement agency.
The second time a truancy report is required within the same school year, the school may assign the student to an after school or weekend study program located within the same county as the pupil's school.
“The third time a truancy report is required within the same school year, the student is classified a habitual truant and may be referred to and required to attend, an attendance review board or a truancy mediation program.”
If truancy is reported a fourth time within the same school year, the student is then within the jurisdiction of the juvenile court and they may determine the pupil to be a ward of the court.
If your child becomes a ward of the juvenile court, he or she will be required to do one or more of the following:
“(1) Performance at court-approved community services sponsored by either a public or private nonprofit agency for not less than 20 hours but not more than 40 hours over a period not to exceed 90 days, during a time other than the pupil's hours of school attendance or employment. The probation officer shall report to the court the failure to comply with this paragraph.
(2) Payment of a fine by the pupil of not more than one hundred dollars ($100) for which a parent or guardian of the pupil may be jointly liable.
(3) Attendance of a court-approved truancy prevention program.
(4) Suspension or revocation of driving privileges pursuant to Section 13202.7 of the Vehicle Code. This subdivision shall apply only to a pupil who has attended a school attendance review board program, or a truancy mediation program pursuant to subdivision (c).”
Penalties (Parent)
"Penalties against parents apply when any parent, guardian, or other person having control or charge of any student fails to compel the student to attend school.” Penalties are:
“ (1) Upon a first conviction, by a fine of not more than one hundred dollars ($100).
(2) Upon a second conviction, by a fine of not more than two hundred fifty dollars ($250).
(3) Upon a third or subsequent conviction, if the person has willfully refused to comply with this section, by a fine of not more than five hundred dollars ($500). In lieu of the fines prescribed in paragraphs (1), (2), and (3), the court may order the person to be placed in a parent education and counseling program.”
“… A judgment granting a defendant time to pay the fine or prescribing the days of attendance in a program shall order that if the defendant fails to pay the fine, or any installment thereof, on the date it is due, he or she shall appear in court on that date for further proceedings. Willful violation of this order is punishable as contempt.” In this case, you may be charged a fine of up to $1,000. If you are in contempt under the law, you may be imprisoned.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Teen Rejected Parents: Fears of “Coming Out” « Strained Relations
I was talking with the mother of a gay man, and she said they had incredible family stress for several years. Once her son was around 15, he became sexually active. She and her husband had hoped he would wait until he was older, was worried about him taking precautions to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, and worried that some of his peers or others would beat him up or even kill him.
They tried to discuss their concerns with their son, but instead of really hearing all of their fears, he only heard that their concern was that he was gay. The parents did not care that he was gay and had already received information about parenting gay kids.
Meanwhile, he felt his parents were rejecting him and he left home at age 17. He stayed at friends’ homes and even on the street for awhile, eventually tiring of the experience. When he came home, he was much more mature and ready to both talk and listen. He learned his parents loved him and worried about him all along, and they were able to gradually repair their relationship.
Have you had an experience like this as a parent or a child? What happened, and were you able to resolve your family relationship? How did you do it?
They tried to discuss their concerns with their son, but instead of really hearing all of their fears, he only heard that their concern was that he was gay. The parents did not care that he was gay and had already received information about parenting gay kids.
Meanwhile, he felt his parents were rejecting him and he left home at age 17. He stayed at friends’ homes and even on the street for awhile, eventually tiring of the experience. When he came home, he was much more mature and ready to both talk and listen. He learned his parents loved him and worried about him all along, and they were able to gradually repair their relationship.
Have you had an experience like this as a parent or a child? What happened, and were you able to resolve your family relationship? How did you do it?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Difficult Kids: Sometimes it really is the kid, not the parents.
A woman I met talked about her heartache when her son was in Juvenile Hall. I didn’t ask what specifically had brought him to that point, but she said he’d been in and out of trouble since he was 9 years old.
Although the parents and child went for counseling, nothing was turning this child around. She knew she wasn’t a bad person or a terrible parent: they had another son who was polite, a good student, had lots of hobbies and interests. It helped them to know that it wasn’t all their fault.
When their son landed in Juvenile Hall, she went to visit every day at lunchtime. The first few months, she didn’t see any change in him, and maybe it was worse due to his anger and frustration over his situation.
Around 6 months in, she started to notice small changes. He finally understood that there are consequences in society, that his parents truly did want the best for him. He was locked up for over a year, and when he came out, he needed a lot of help. This time, he was ready to listen to parents and teachers, ready to talk with a counselor who could help him.
The family is still recovering from this trauma and have some tough work ahead, but are working as a family to address them.
Although the parents and child went for counseling, nothing was turning this child around. She knew she wasn’t a bad person or a terrible parent: they had another son who was polite, a good student, had lots of hobbies and interests. It helped them to know that it wasn’t all their fault.
When their son landed in Juvenile Hall, she went to visit every day at lunchtime. The first few months, she didn’t see any change in him, and maybe it was worse due to his anger and frustration over his situation.
Around 6 months in, she started to notice small changes. He finally understood that there are consequences in society, that his parents truly did want the best for him. He was locked up for over a year, and when he came out, he needed a lot of help. This time, he was ready to listen to parents and teachers, ready to talk with a counselor who could help him.
The family is still recovering from this trauma and have some tough work ahead, but are working as a family to address them.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Update: “Meth Kid” Was Kicked Out of Home
I recently wrote about a family with a 20-year-old son on meth. You can view the posting at http://helpingparentsofteens.blogspot.com/2009/12/kick-meth-kid-out.html.
“Jane” called to update me. She and her husband, after seeing several therapists and talking with former addicts, decided to tell their son to leave. She said that making this decision was the hardest thing she’d ever done. They didn’t feel safe in their home and it was breaking their hearts to see what their son was doing. They told him to leave right after Thanksgiving, and had hired a security guard to be onsite. They were scared of his reaction and possible responses.
Once he left, Jane and her husband went into the guest house where her son had been staying, and it had been “trashed” in a literal sense. There was garbage everywhere, opened cans and bottles all over the place, burns in furniture, and the carpets were ruined. She hired a cleaning service and a contractor, repaired the guest house and changed all of the locks.
Jane said that December was horrible, and the timing with the holidays increased the sadness and worry. She hears from her son now and then via text, but he won’t call at all. She understands he’s been staying with friends and worries about him.
He has been told repeatedly that when he’s ready to go for help or rehab, they’ll help him. They have done their research and have some options in mind. Their biggest fear now is that it’s too late, and one of these days they’ll learn he has died.
Do you have any experience with this or insights and comfort for this family?
“Jane” called to update me. She and her husband, after seeing several therapists and talking with former addicts, decided to tell their son to leave. She said that making this decision was the hardest thing she’d ever done. They didn’t feel safe in their home and it was breaking their hearts to see what their son was doing. They told him to leave right after Thanksgiving, and had hired a security guard to be onsite. They were scared of his reaction and possible responses.
Once he left, Jane and her husband went into the guest house where her son had been staying, and it had been “trashed” in a literal sense. There was garbage everywhere, opened cans and bottles all over the place, burns in furniture, and the carpets were ruined. She hired a cleaning service and a contractor, repaired the guest house and changed all of the locks.
Jane said that December was horrible, and the timing with the holidays increased the sadness and worry. She hears from her son now and then via text, but he won’t call at all. She understands he’s been staying with friends and worries about him.
He has been told repeatedly that when he’s ready to go for help or rehab, they’ll help him. They have done their research and have some options in mind. Their biggest fear now is that it’s too late, and one of these days they’ll learn he has died.
Do you have any experience with this or insights and comfort for this family?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Teen in Trouble Calls After Bust
It was his usual Saturday night: hanging out with friends, going out to eat, going somewhere and getting stoned. His parents knew all about this routine but felt helpless to stop it. They’d tell their son they disapproved and worried about him, but nothing seemed to register.
And then came the call.
The 17-year-old and his friend were being rowdy in a store, and as they were leaving, the friend took a bottle of liquor. They didn’t get far. The security guard held them till the police came, and the security system confirmed what happened.
Now the parents are waiting to hear their son’s fate. At a time when they’d love to enjoy family time at the holidays, they’re unsure of what will happen. Maybe he’ll have to attend a drug counseling program, maybe he’ll be in jail. Their state is no lenient with kids in trouble, so there are a lot of possible penalities to consider.
Where’d they go wrong as parents? What’ll happen to their son? Will he have a record? Will he learn from this experience? These are all questions that have been swirling around this couple. Please hold them in your thoughts, and if you’ve had a similar experience and can share some insights, please post a response.
And then came the call.
The 17-year-old and his friend were being rowdy in a store, and as they were leaving, the friend took a bottle of liquor. They didn’t get far. The security guard held them till the police came, and the security system confirmed what happened.
Now the parents are waiting to hear their son’s fate. At a time when they’d love to enjoy family time at the holidays, they’re unsure of what will happen. Maybe he’ll have to attend a drug counseling program, maybe he’ll be in jail. Their state is no lenient with kids in trouble, so there are a lot of possible penalities to consider.
Where’d they go wrong as parents? What’ll happen to their son? Will he have a record? Will he learn from this experience? These are all questions that have been swirling around this couple. Please hold them in your thoughts, and if you’ve had a similar experience and can share some insights, please post a response.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Still Working on that Broken Heart
I write about family issues because it also helps me. Yes, it can be very therapeutic to know you’re not the only one with family difficulties, to review what you did, what you wish you did, and learn from the process.
Thanksgiving was always a family holiday for us as it is for many people. Some people dread the squabbles that will erupt, but we didn’t have that problem. Our son loves a good meal so that part wasn’t an issue, either.
For the past 2 ½ years, we’ve been estranged from our son. I don’t want to go into the details, it’s enough to say we have no contact and I don’t see it changing anytime soon. It’s painful and lonely, and there’s no substitute for having him in our lives, but we try to cope with the matter. It’s hard to accept.
I hear how he’s doing and know in general what’s happening in his life and it pains me to say that I don’t see much personal growth on his part. I hope that will happen in the future, but it clearly isn’t there now.
This Thanksgiving was spent with extended family as we’ve done before. And as in those other times, my son will be hovering in my mind rather than sitting nearby. I enjoy the time with family while missing him like crazy and worrying about him as always.
Thanksgiving was always a family holiday for us as it is for many people. Some people dread the squabbles that will erupt, but we didn’t have that problem. Our son loves a good meal so that part wasn’t an issue, either.
For the past 2 ½ years, we’ve been estranged from our son. I don’t want to go into the details, it’s enough to say we have no contact and I don’t see it changing anytime soon. It’s painful and lonely, and there’s no substitute for having him in our lives, but we try to cope with the matter. It’s hard to accept.
I hear how he’s doing and know in general what’s happening in his life and it pains me to say that I don’t see much personal growth on his part. I hope that will happen in the future, but it clearly isn’t there now.
This Thanksgiving was spent with extended family as we’ve done before. And as in those other times, my son will be hovering in my mind rather than sitting nearby. I enjoy the time with family while missing him like crazy and worrying about him as always.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Troubled Teen Pulls Through
I do various workshops and presentations and after one of them, a woman told me the story of a family she knew.
The parents had hoped "Ann" would grow out of her difficulties or maybe she'd just get married and move out. There were no high expectations of Ann as she was female, but her brothers were encouraged to achieve in school and in business.
At 20, Ann was not working, had left college in her freshman year, and her boyfriend was abusive. The father had run out of patience and told her she had two weeks in which to either get a job or move out. The mother was appalled and upset, arguing with her husband that her daughter should just stay at home, that at least they would know where she was. The father prevailed and Ann moved into a rented room with a friend. She found a job and bounced from job to job over the next three years.
At a certain point, Ann looked at her friends and compared her life to their lives. They had completed college or had been working in one job for awhile. They were growing up and moving on, but she felt “stuck”. She signed up for a class at the local college and learned how to study for a college course. Although it took her several years to complete her undergraduate degree, she did it because she felt the drive, she understood the value, and she felt proud of herself for each accomplishment.
“Ann” is now an executive, and she is the one who relayed this story. She learned many years later that the disagreements between her parents brought them to the brink of a divorce and it was terribly hard on both of her parents; they worried about her constantly. They felt tremendous pride and joy when they attended her graduation ceremony, and her mother died a short time later.
Ann said she is now dealing with her own difficult teen, and her experience has given her a special insight into his difficulties, how she can best help him and how he needs to help himself. And she’s ready to give him the toughlove he needs to be responsible.
The parents had hoped "Ann" would grow out of her difficulties or maybe she'd just get married and move out. There were no high expectations of Ann as she was female, but her brothers were encouraged to achieve in school and in business.
At 20, Ann was not working, had left college in her freshman year, and her boyfriend was abusive. The father had run out of patience and told her she had two weeks in which to either get a job or move out. The mother was appalled and upset, arguing with her husband that her daughter should just stay at home, that at least they would know where she was. The father prevailed and Ann moved into a rented room with a friend. She found a job and bounced from job to job over the next three years.
At a certain point, Ann looked at her friends and compared her life to their lives. They had completed college or had been working in one job for awhile. They were growing up and moving on, but she felt “stuck”. She signed up for a class at the local college and learned how to study for a college course. Although it took her several years to complete her undergraduate degree, she did it because she felt the drive, she understood the value, and she felt proud of herself for each accomplishment.
“Ann” is now an executive, and she is the one who relayed this story. She learned many years later that the disagreements between her parents brought them to the brink of a divorce and it was terribly hard on both of her parents; they worried about her constantly. They felt tremendous pride and joy when they attended her graduation ceremony, and her mother died a short time later.
Ann said she is now dealing with her own difficult teen, and her experience has given her a special insight into his difficulties, how she can best help him and how he needs to help himself. And she’s ready to give him the toughlove he needs to be responsible.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
“Tom” is at the end of his rope.
“Tom” – I’m changing his name to protect his privacy – wrote regarding this blog, and he said some things I’ve thought, said, or written about.
Tom wrote about living with dishonesty and disrespect and tolerating it. He wrote of angry outbursts, his and his son’s, and the frustrations that go along with being the parent of a destructive person. He noted the wasted time and energy while hoping to make his child change. And he wrote about his angry, spiteful, resentful teen.
He said he was at the end of his rope, ready to kick his kid out the door and worried about losing his marriage, too. The parents were not on the same page, and his wife had been enabling their son, even lying for him to avoid family confrontations and arguments.
It’s a sad story, and I’m afraid it’s a common one. Unless the parents get on the same page and are consistent with their son, they don’t have a prayer of getting their son on track and may even face divorce. Their anger and resentment of their son and each other is imploding their family.
I wrote that there are resources listed at http://strainedrelations.wordpress.com/resources, and I hope they all get the help they need.
I’m reading and hearing a lot of sad stories, and I hope Tom’s family has a good outcome.
Tom wrote about living with dishonesty and disrespect and tolerating it. He wrote of angry outbursts, his and his son’s, and the frustrations that go along with being the parent of a destructive person. He noted the wasted time and energy while hoping to make his child change. And he wrote about his angry, spiteful, resentful teen.
He said he was at the end of his rope, ready to kick his kid out the door and worried about losing his marriage, too. The parents were not on the same page, and his wife had been enabling their son, even lying for him to avoid family confrontations and arguments.
It’s a sad story, and I’m afraid it’s a common one. Unless the parents get on the same page and are consistent with their son, they don’t have a prayer of getting their son on track and may even face divorce. Their anger and resentment of their son and each other is imploding their family.
I wrote that there are resources listed at http://strainedrelations.wordpress.com/resources, and I hope they all get the help they need.
I’m reading and hearing a lot of sad stories, and I hope Tom’s family has a good outcome.
Call From a Parent
I received a lovely call from one of the parents interviewed for the book. She and her husband have three sons. They are close with the two older sons, but the youngest is one that no one in the family can deeply relate to. They love him, they want him to have a great life and they want to see him. His life, interests, and lack of intellectual curiosity makes it hard for them to relate.
The parents read the book, and when one of their older sons saw it, he read it, too. He recognized their family and it gave him another insight into how his parents felt. And he recommended it to both of his brothers.
Once everyone had read the book, it gave them an open to talk in-depth about their feelings, their love and their frustrations.
It didn’t change the fact that they don’t share many interests with their youngest son, but they have a deeper emotional connection. They accept each other and enjoy being together.
I believe they had reached a point where they were beyond hoping for the “perfect family” and they accepted being close and loving.
Knowing this family’s story and hearing an update reminded me that relationships are fluid, that families can endure difficult times and find solid ground together.
The parents read the book, and when one of their older sons saw it, he read it, too. He recognized their family and it gave him another insight into how his parents felt. And he recommended it to both of his brothers.
Once everyone had read the book, it gave them an open to talk in-depth about their feelings, their love and their frustrations.
It didn’t change the fact that they don’t share many interests with their youngest son, but they have a deeper emotional connection. They accept each other and enjoy being together.
I believe they had reached a point where they were beyond hoping for the “perfect family” and they accepted being close and loving.
Knowing this family’s story and hearing an update reminded me that relationships are fluid, that families can endure difficult times and find solid ground together.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Worried about your teen?
Do you remember the joy you felt when your son or daughter was young? Taking them to the playground, reading to them at night, helping them with their homework: these are everyday activities loving parents do for their children. We build relationships and know the teen years might be tough.
Some kids seem to go through their teen years with few problems, while others scare their parents with extreme behaviors, drinking, drugs, and violence. You worry about them every day and wonder happened to your child and those sweet, innocent times.
How would it feel to know that you’re not alone? Parents with young children worry about their future, and parents of a difficult teen may fear for their child’s life. Share concerns and resources – I welcome your thoughtful contributions.
Marcia Stein
Some kids seem to go through their teen years with few problems, while others scare their parents with extreme behaviors, drinking, drugs, and violence. You worry about them every day and wonder happened to your child and those sweet, innocent times.
How would it feel to know that you’re not alone? Parents with young children worry about their future, and parents of a difficult teen may fear for their child’s life. Share concerns and resources – I welcome your thoughtful contributions.
Marcia Stein
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