I write about family issues because it also helps me. Yes, it can be very therapeutic to know you’re not the only one with family difficulties, to review what you did, what you wish you did, and learn from the process.
Thanksgiving was always a family holiday for us as it is for many people. Some people dread the squabbles that will erupt, but we didn’t have that problem. Our son loves a good meal so that part wasn’t an issue, either.
For the past 2 ½ years, we’ve been estranged from our son. I don’t want to go into the details, it’s enough to say we have no contact and I don’t see it changing anytime soon. It’s painful and lonely, and there’s no substitute for having him in our lives, but we try to cope with the matter. It’s hard to accept.
I hear how he’s doing and know in general what’s happening in his life and it pains me to say that I don’t see much personal growth on his part. I hope that will happen in the future, but it clearly isn’t there now.
This Thanksgiving was spent with extended family as we’ve done before. And as in those other times, my son will be hovering in my mind rather than sitting nearby. I enjoy the time with family while missing him like crazy and worrying about him as always.
Showing posts with label changing parent's behavior. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changing parent's behavior. Show all posts
Monday, December 7, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Troubled Teen Pulls Through
I do various workshops and presentations and after one of them, a woman told me the story of a family she knew.
The parents had hoped "Ann" would grow out of her difficulties or maybe she'd just get married and move out. There were no high expectations of Ann as she was female, but her brothers were encouraged to achieve in school and in business.
At 20, Ann was not working, had left college in her freshman year, and her boyfriend was abusive. The father had run out of patience and told her she had two weeks in which to either get a job or move out. The mother was appalled and upset, arguing with her husband that her daughter should just stay at home, that at least they would know where she was. The father prevailed and Ann moved into a rented room with a friend. She found a job and bounced from job to job over the next three years.
At a certain point, Ann looked at her friends and compared her life to their lives. They had completed college or had been working in one job for awhile. They were growing up and moving on, but she felt “stuck”. She signed up for a class at the local college and learned how to study for a college course. Although it took her several years to complete her undergraduate degree, she did it because she felt the drive, she understood the value, and she felt proud of herself for each accomplishment.
“Ann” is now an executive, and she is the one who relayed this story. She learned many years later that the disagreements between her parents brought them to the brink of a divorce and it was terribly hard on both of her parents; they worried about her constantly. They felt tremendous pride and joy when they attended her graduation ceremony, and her mother died a short time later.
Ann said she is now dealing with her own difficult teen, and her experience has given her a special insight into his difficulties, how she can best help him and how he needs to help himself. And she’s ready to give him the toughlove he needs to be responsible.
The parents had hoped "Ann" would grow out of her difficulties or maybe she'd just get married and move out. There were no high expectations of Ann as she was female, but her brothers were encouraged to achieve in school and in business.
At 20, Ann was not working, had left college in her freshman year, and her boyfriend was abusive. The father had run out of patience and told her she had two weeks in which to either get a job or move out. The mother was appalled and upset, arguing with her husband that her daughter should just stay at home, that at least they would know where she was. The father prevailed and Ann moved into a rented room with a friend. She found a job and bounced from job to job over the next three years.
At a certain point, Ann looked at her friends and compared her life to their lives. They had completed college or had been working in one job for awhile. They were growing up and moving on, but she felt “stuck”. She signed up for a class at the local college and learned how to study for a college course. Although it took her several years to complete her undergraduate degree, she did it because she felt the drive, she understood the value, and she felt proud of herself for each accomplishment.
“Ann” is now an executive, and she is the one who relayed this story. She learned many years later that the disagreements between her parents brought them to the brink of a divorce and it was terribly hard on both of her parents; they worried about her constantly. They felt tremendous pride and joy when they attended her graduation ceremony, and her mother died a short time later.
Ann said she is now dealing with her own difficult teen, and her experience has given her a special insight into his difficulties, how she can best help him and how he needs to help himself. And she’s ready to give him the toughlove he needs to be responsible.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Did the Self Esteem Movement Create an Entitled Generation?
I've mulled over a lot of things I've experienced as a parent and a lot of things I've read, and would honestly say that I did do some things well and there are some things that I would absolutely change.
I have some serious concerns about the self-esteem movement and what the effects are on our kids.
Self-esteem is the way you think about yourself and this impacts the way you feel. If you think you're a good painter, you feel good about that skill and your confidence. If you have a poor image of yourself and your abilities, it manifests in low self confidence and underachievement.
The self-esteem movement was a good idea run amok. The idea of encouraging children to think well of themselves sounds like a good idea, but, like many things in life, it has to be earned to be appreciated.
Our son "J" was born in 1988, and I took him to Mommy and Me and toddler classes. I guess others were reading books I hadn't read, but I remember the teacher and other moms saying "good job" whenever a child did anything. It didn't matter what the child did, but the rewarding phrase was said. Kid finishes a project, eats his food, plays a game: "Good job."
At home, if J picked up his toys, I said "thank you" or "that looks nice". I felt that if I said "good job" to everything, then when he'd really do a good job of something, then what would I say and how would I make that meaningful?
We noticed that when he participated in team sports, even if their team lost, everyone got ribbons and sometimes trophies. I guess the theory was that they wanted all the kids to feel like winners and therefore, it'd magically give them self-esteem and confidence, but I think that backfired.
If the ultimate goal of parenting is to raise a child who can operate in this world, overpraising for simply existing isn't going to help. After all, how many managers stand around waiting to tell people they did a good job? I can tell you from an HR perspective that some do but most expect you to do a good job, and if you do an extraordinary job, then maybe you'll be noticed. There are expectations that you'll perform as you should, that poor work will be adversely noted and good work will be rewarded.
Young people steeped in the self-esteem movement resent not being continually verbally rewarded and when they simply complete a project.
I believe that good self-esteem and confidence result from completing projects, overcoming obstacles, leaping over barriers to success. It can't come as a result of continuous praise from others: you have to know it, to feel that accomplishment.
What are your thoughts?
I have some serious concerns about the self-esteem movement and what the effects are on our kids.
Self-esteem is the way you think about yourself and this impacts the way you feel. If you think you're a good painter, you feel good about that skill and your confidence. If you have a poor image of yourself and your abilities, it manifests in low self confidence and underachievement.
The self-esteem movement was a good idea run amok. The idea of encouraging children to think well of themselves sounds like a good idea, but, like many things in life, it has to be earned to be appreciated.
Our son "J" was born in 1988, and I took him to Mommy and Me and toddler classes. I guess others were reading books I hadn't read, but I remember the teacher and other moms saying "good job" whenever a child did anything. It didn't matter what the child did, but the rewarding phrase was said. Kid finishes a project, eats his food, plays a game: "Good job."
At home, if J picked up his toys, I said "thank you" or "that looks nice". I felt that if I said "good job" to everything, then when he'd really do a good job of something, then what would I say and how would I make that meaningful?
We noticed that when he participated in team sports, even if their team lost, everyone got ribbons and sometimes trophies. I guess the theory was that they wanted all the kids to feel like winners and therefore, it'd magically give them self-esteem and confidence, but I think that backfired.
If the ultimate goal of parenting is to raise a child who can operate in this world, overpraising for simply existing isn't going to help. After all, how many managers stand around waiting to tell people they did a good job? I can tell you from an HR perspective that some do but most expect you to do a good job, and if you do an extraordinary job, then maybe you'll be noticed. There are expectations that you'll perform as you should, that poor work will be adversely noted and good work will be rewarded.
Young people steeped in the self-esteem movement resent not being continually verbally rewarded and when they simply complete a project.
I believe that good self-esteem and confidence result from completing projects, overcoming obstacles, leaping over barriers to success. It can't come as a result of continuous praise from others: you have to know it, to feel that accomplishment.
What are your thoughts?
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Rewarding Kids’ Good Behavior
My last post discussed consistency in parenting and I focused on punishment. Linda, a friend I’ve known since our kids were small, responded to that post with some interesting thoughts. I had intended to talk this week about rewarding good behavior and how important that is, and Linda’s responses gave me a lot to think about.
Linda pointed out that sometimes you have to look really hard for some way to compliment your child, to comment on something good he or she is doing. Kids can get into streaks of behavior where all you see are things that are driving you nuts, that you worry about or are outright dangerous. It’s so easy to slip into criticism and forget to say anything nice.
I’ve been guilty of that at times. I hate to admit it, but that’s the case.
When I wrote the book, I interviewed a woman who had some interesting things to say about managing behavior, both her own and her son’s. Sue has two grown children from a previous marriage and their relationship is cordial. She was eager to share what she had learned and some of the changes she’s made in her parenting style with her young son. I’ve edited Sue’s remarks for this blog to share a bit of what she said.
“Charles is seven, and in the last year, I recognized that what I was doing wasn’t working. With Tom it wasn’t working, but I wasn’t fully cognizant and I wasn’t willing to change it, so with Charles, I try more to understand what might be causing his misbehavior. I studied some of Alfred Adler’s work, he is a psychologist in Austria, and he says that all people have two basic needs: to have significance and to feel like they belong. All behavior is motivated by those two things. When a child is misbehaving, it is in a mistaken attempt to get that significance and belonging, so if I can figure out what is going on for Charles, I can work with him. I have a chart and it is based on how I’m feeling about his behavior. If he is annoying me or irritating me, more than likely he wants attention. Then I spend time with him or assure him I will give him special time.
I might need to finish what I’m doing. But it goes back to how can I help him see his significance and belonging, so that he doesn’t have to misbehave?
Parents are constantly nagging the kids. With Tom and Alan, it was just the constant nagging, and micromanaging, and me getting more and more upset, wondering why don’t they just do it? What I have learned is to have Charles create a morning routine and make a chart for it, and he is responsible for the chart.
When you involve people in decisions that affect their lives, they are more likely to go along with it, and you are more likely to get the behavior you want if they had a say in it. I try as much as possible to let him make the decisions about when he will do things and how, because I really care about the end product, and how he gets there is his decision. He is a unique person so whatever works for him.”
Do you have some tips you can share or some thoughts on the matter?
Linda pointed out that sometimes you have to look really hard for some way to compliment your child, to comment on something good he or she is doing. Kids can get into streaks of behavior where all you see are things that are driving you nuts, that you worry about or are outright dangerous. It’s so easy to slip into criticism and forget to say anything nice.
I’ve been guilty of that at times. I hate to admit it, but that’s the case.
When I wrote the book, I interviewed a woman who had some interesting things to say about managing behavior, both her own and her son’s. Sue has two grown children from a previous marriage and their relationship is cordial. She was eager to share what she had learned and some of the changes she’s made in her parenting style with her young son. I’ve edited Sue’s remarks for this blog to share a bit of what she said.
“Charles is seven, and in the last year, I recognized that what I was doing wasn’t working. With Tom it wasn’t working, but I wasn’t fully cognizant and I wasn’t willing to change it, so with Charles, I try more to understand what might be causing his misbehavior. I studied some of Alfred Adler’s work, he is a psychologist in Austria, and he says that all people have two basic needs: to have significance and to feel like they belong. All behavior is motivated by those two things. When a child is misbehaving, it is in a mistaken attempt to get that significance and belonging, so if I can figure out what is going on for Charles, I can work with him. I have a chart and it is based on how I’m feeling about his behavior. If he is annoying me or irritating me, more than likely he wants attention. Then I spend time with him or assure him I will give him special time.
I might need to finish what I’m doing. But it goes back to how can I help him see his significance and belonging, so that he doesn’t have to misbehave?
Parents are constantly nagging the kids. With Tom and Alan, it was just the constant nagging, and micromanaging, and me getting more and more upset, wondering why don’t they just do it? What I have learned is to have Charles create a morning routine and make a chart for it, and he is responsible for the chart.
When you involve people in decisions that affect their lives, they are more likely to go along with it, and you are more likely to get the behavior you want if they had a say in it. I try as much as possible to let him make the decisions about when he will do things and how, because I really care about the end product, and how he gets there is his decision. He is a unique person so whatever works for him.”
Do you have some tips you can share or some thoughts on the matter?
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