Thursday, May 19, 2011

Made it through Mother’s Day: how’d you do?

I thought I should write an update following my last blog about Mother’s Day.

Much to my relief, it wasn’t too bad this year.

We spent the day with my wonderful mother-in-law. It was great spending the day with her.

Did I miss my mom on that day? Absolutely, but my world doesn’t revolve around sorrow – there are some trigger points for me to think about loss. It’s appropriate to think about people we’ve lost, especially on special days.

And then there’s my son. Still not talking and I really miss him especially on Mother’s Day, but I’m not devastated as I was in years past. My feelings float in and out of resignation, anger, calm, hurt and so on.

Overall, I am stronger this year. Someone asked me about coping with a severed family relationship, and I think it’s like with death in that it takes time to learn to cope and adjust to a “new normal” as they say.

I’m taking some positive steps and hear my son is doing the same. I started going to a support group to reinforce how not to enable, how to let some things go. I appreciate the group and when I go, I am going in to listen to others without thinking about writing their stories. Whatever I hear there is confidential. I can see that for a few years I’ve written other people’s stories and distanced myself from my feelings. Now it’s time for me to look inward without thinking about what I will write here. I know I’ll find more things to write about and so will my contributors.

If you found this blog or read my post as you were worried about Mother’s Day, tell me how you fared. Was it hard? Easier than it was? What tips can you share to help others?

5 comments:

  1. I'm glad to hear that you're taking care of yourself!

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  2. Thanks, Lynn. It's taken me awhile to get to that point. So easy to tell others what to do and hard to take my own advice!

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  3. You asked if I had any tips. I always get into trouble when I have big expectations. After thinking about my Mother's Day this year, I think not putting so much importance on everything going perfectly as I envision it should be in my head helps. It takes the stress off my loved ones who are celebrating or not celebrating the day with me also, whether it is my stepmother or my son.

    My day wavered and where I had low expectations, like with my stepmother, I was pleasantly surprised with having a great interaction and fun and cherished time, but where I emphasized such great expectations with my son, is where I felt unexpectedly disappointed, which in hindsight was mostly my fault for trying to control things and feeling the pressure of holding them to an ideal. It could have been avoided if I stopped trying to achieve a forced ideal. In the end, all I felt was guilt for screwing up, but my son does love me and forgave me. At least he said he did. It's also important to forgive ourselves.

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  4. Thank you so much for writing, Linda. Your insghts are helpful for everyone.

    I love that thought about not setting your expectations such that others cannot meet them and you'll remove some stress and be happier with your interactions. Forgiving ourselves and others really is important.

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  5. Dr. Parnell DonahueMay 26, 2011 at 2:27 PM

    So sorry to hear so many of you are having teen ager problems. As a pediatrician I focused my practice on teens who rewarded me with their own type of wisdom. I have put the lessons they taught together in a book, Messengers in Denim. Parents of teens and every age kid have found it very helpful. Get it on Amazon, read my blog, www.messengersindenim.org and enjoy your teens.

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