Today’s email included a note from a parent who had taken out a restraining order against his son. I asked if I could include some of his story as I know others are interested in this topic.
“Jack” read my book as he was looking for information about being estranged from a child. He wanted to know he was not alone.
Jack and his wife had been living in fear of their 17 year old son, “Tom.” This son had been stealing from them, and they couldn’t even estimate the amount missing as it was in the hundreds of dollars. They were also missing jewelry and other expensive items. They had gone to family therapy and tried many different therapists to help Tom.
When they found a stash of pills in his room, they told him he’d have to either stop or leave home. Tom picked up a chair and threw it at them, and they ran to the bedroom, locked the door and called the police. They were terrified of what would happen next. Tom left before the police arrived, but they completed a report and then filed a restraining order, also known as a protective order.
Jack said this happened a few years ago and they have not seen their son since that night. They constantly worry about him; this is their only child and it’s been hard on them. Family and friends ask about their son and Jack and his wife say Tom is working and studying. It’s easier to lie than describe the nightmare they are living.
When I interviewed professionals for my book, I spoke with a lawyer about restraining orders. Here is a quote from Jerome Wisselman, J. D.: “There are some situations where people have brought proceedings to get orders of protection against their children, so that if the kids continue to act in the way they were acting, parents could actually have them arrested, if necessary. Often the parents want to restrict the child from being in the residence under the influence of alcohol, or drugs, or other situations. I have seen situations where the children assaulted the parents and a restraining order would address the assault issue. Sometimes the kids stay at home while they’re under the order, and sometimes the kids don’t want to stay in the house. They just go and stay with friends or relatives.”
If you are living in an abusive situation, you may need to file a restraining order. You can research help in your own state/country, often by contacting domestic violence agencies.
We did not experience this, but I can understand how things could escalate. I think it’s more important to protect your life than worry about embarrassment. I’m sure there are many other parents who have been in a similar position.
Do you have an experience to share?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Cheri’s Adoption Experience & Some Parenting Advice
Following my last post, I received an email from a distant cousin. She wrote the following:
“As an adopted child, it all depends on how the adoptive parents handle the situation. I was told about being adopted when I was very young, in the form of a story. As I got older and began to question my parents, they honestly told me what they could (Ohio has sealed records). My dad encouraged me to look into my past, but my Mom, for many reasons, did not. When she did pass away, I wrote to the court in Columbus and received ALL the paperwork about my adoption. Probably because everyone associated with the process had passed on. I was never made to feel any different form the Ungerleider side. My mother’s family was quite the opposite and could never understand why I didn’t like them! Adoptive parents shouldn’t be upset at the above questions, it’s normal. I said that too. But, if they never told the child about being adopted in the first place, then they need to become very upfront and honest with the child immediately. Assure them that they are special and were “chosen” by their parents and are loved.
Parents are so stupid these days- think they have to be buddies to their kids or have to allow those kids to say and do anything for it might hurt their “self esteem”. My kids were always to told that we would love them no matter what, but we demanded their respect and gave it back to them in return. We always told my kids that no matter what, we would be there to defend and fight for them when needed. I also told my kids, when they were in their early and late teens, that I wasn’t their pal, I was their Mom and could be their very best friend or very worst enemy- it was up to them. When they each turned 25, they came to us and said we were the best parents any kid could have had. Guess we did it right.”
Would you like to share your thoughts or experiences? All you have to do is send me a comment, and I can accept the comment or use it as a post if you indicate I can do so.
“As an adopted child, it all depends on how the adoptive parents handle the situation. I was told about being adopted when I was very young, in the form of a story. As I got older and began to question my parents, they honestly told me what they could (Ohio has sealed records). My dad encouraged me to look into my past, but my Mom, for many reasons, did not. When she did pass away, I wrote to the court in Columbus and received ALL the paperwork about my adoption. Probably because everyone associated with the process had passed on. I was never made to feel any different form the Ungerleider side. My mother’s family was quite the opposite and could never understand why I didn’t like them! Adoptive parents shouldn’t be upset at the above questions, it’s normal. I said that too. But, if they never told the child about being adopted in the first place, then they need to become very upfront and honest with the child immediately. Assure them that they are special and were “chosen” by their parents and are loved.
Parents are so stupid these days- think they have to be buddies to their kids or have to allow those kids to say and do anything for it might hurt their “self esteem”. My kids were always to told that we would love them no matter what, but we demanded their respect and gave it back to them in return. We always told my kids that no matter what, we would be there to defend and fight for them when needed. I also told my kids, when they were in their early and late teens, that I wasn’t their pal, I was their Mom and could be their very best friend or very worst enemy- it was up to them. When they each turned 25, they came to us and said we were the best parents any kid could have had. Guess we did it right.”
Would you like to share your thoughts or experiences? All you have to do is send me a comment, and I can accept the comment or use it as a post if you indicate I can do so.
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